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Old 10-18-2012, 05:04 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Default On getting a kick out of couples

I have a thing for happy couples, there's no denying it. I am in no way a couple-hunting would-be-unicorn -- I'm well aware that relationships form between individuals, not between a person and a structure ("the couple"), and that angling for any particular configuration to emerge from a given multi-person attraction is folly -- but I do get couple-crushes that are as much about the relationship and the unit as they are about the individuals involved, truth be told.

I love seeing the different ways that people build successful interpersonal dynamics, I love observing the cocoon, the pocket universe, that dyads create within themselves. And the hotness, yow. The looks that couples that are really in sync and in love and in lust give each other, the way they touch, the ease, getting to watch that is just awesome. And getting to participate in it... I just don't have words, it's intense! Exploring an individual can be as powerful and deep and meaningful as can be, of course, there's *no* replacing that if you want to build deep connections. But getting to slide into the established sexual and relational patterns of a couple, that experience of being surrounded, I could just die. Love it. I've never been on the other side of the equation, part of a couple inviting in a third person. Maybe I'd like it very much, but in the abstract it doesn't hold the same visceral appeal to me.

I wonder if it's laziness, in part. Wanting to enjoy the unique flavor of the bond that comes from deep understanding and intimacy without putting in the hard, scary work of building that myself. I don't know, maybe it *is* a little lazy, or a little greedy, but on the other hand it's not like I've never put in the time myself before -- I had a primary, co-habiting partnership of 3 years that I worked hard at -- and it's not like I delude myself into thinking that I'm actually entitled to maintain the same level of intimacy and bond with a couple as that they share amongst themselves just because they let me in for a little while -- that sort of thing has to be earned, and it won't necessarily happen equally with both members.

It's a huge trust, a huge gift, to get to snuggle into a shape that's been made for you between two people who love each other very much, but I know better than to accept any declarations of "equality" in that sort of situation. There is an inherent power imbalance when you're coming in from the outside... you simply can't, on a very important level, make up for years of intimate association with pure passion. Though, to be fair to those I've seen who've done a good job with it, if all three partners are committed, you can try to get to a place of actual equality, and quite possibly accelerate the process.

So, I'm just curious, does anyone else relate to this at all? Any thoughts about individual people engaging with both halves of a couple, beyond the usual "We want a gf who'll love us both equally and be exclusive with us and move in right away" versus "Ugh, please go away unicorn hunters, GO AWAY" debate.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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