And now she knows ...
Well, it was wonderful ... for a moment ... to have my husband on board and everything feeling good and above board. But L's partner still didn't know, and the guilt of that was eating me up. I knew that she needed to know too, but the fall out was/is so terrifying. I spoke with L and convinced him that if he loved her and cared about his relationship, he would tell her.
And so he did.
I haven't heard a thing from L about what happened, but I tried to reach his partner and let her know that I didn't want to avoid this. She hung up on me. Too soon. I know that she is entrenched in thinking about this in terms of betrayal, and the lying was betrayal. But will I ever be able to get her to understand that motivations behind what happened were not so horrible? That we can choose to move forward from this in a different way?
How do I balance defending what I believe about the true nature of relationships, and being respectful of the fact that she thinks I've back stabbed her and betrayed her in the worst way possible? I feel such shame because of the order in which things happened (we should have talked about it first, or at least much much sooner), but I don't feel shame about how I feel.
And this isn't even out in the court of small town public opinion ...yet.
I feel better that she knows, my eye was twitching out of huge amounts of stress and it's not anymore. But I guess I was a bit naive, and didn't really expect this crushing sense of shame, I thought I might have a leg to stand on, but when I try and explain things, it sounds too much like a re-do of the 60's hippy commune philosophy.
And I worry about hurting her even more by even trying to justify this ...