I have a husband and a mistress
I’m a 40yr old bisexual female, married to Hubby 7 yrs, and we lived together 7 before that. No kids. Before Hubby, I had many open relationships, whereas Hubby was a serial monogamist. At first, Hubby was open to exploration. We had threesomes with my ex-boyfriend, and there was a girl in my office that I fooled around with and Hubby was okay with that. In fact, his openness to my sexuality was part of why I married him. After we married and left the big city for a tropical island, we settled into many years of monogamy. I built lots of friendships outside of my marriage. Hubby is a workaholic, and he almost never comes out with me or socializes with my friends. I enjoyed flirtation with both sexes, maybe a drunken make-out session with a female friend, a dance with a strange boy, nothing more. And for a while, it was enough.
Two months ago, a female acquaintance of mine became something much more. The first time we talked one on one, I knew it was on, she just knocked my socks off. Before anything happened between us, I approached Hubby in the interest of honesty and integrity. At first, Hubby gave me a green light, thinking it would just be a drunken make-out or two, and maybe he’d get to watch. Cut to a couple of dates later, once he realized I actually had feelings for Missy, and she for me (and he would likely NOT be involved, as she felt no sexual interest in him) he tried to shut it down, but I just…couldn’t. I was miserable at the idea of not exploring the relationship with Missy, and resentful. After all, Hubby knew I was bi when he married me, and I was also quite open about the fact that monogamy was NOT, by nature, my default setting. Anyway, after lots of arguing, talking, and me reassuring him that I have no intention of leaving him or taking anything away from him physically or emotionally, Hubby relented, but with the stipulation that my “thing” with Missy is to be strictly DADT, at least for now. I am not allowed to even say her name, she is not to interfere with his life in any way, and she isn’t allowed in our home.
I hate treating her this way, though she is infinitely understanding, patient, and undemanding. Missy is openly poly, has two male lovers, a local who I get along great with and a LDR I’ve not met. She would like to sit and talk with Hubby and reassure him she isn’t interested in stealing me away from him, but he refuses to meet with her. Hubby has promised me he will “find a way to be okay with this.” But I fear that the way he’s choosing, the DADT rule, is unsustainable. Then again, I don’t dare push him. He is a stubborn man, and I have no desire to take a chainsaw to my marriage if I can avoid it—I love my husband, he is a good man and he IS my family. But I cannot walk away from my beautiful connection with this woman without serious heartbreak.
For now, I’m striking a tenuous balance between behaving at home exactly as I did before Missy, but making space for her in my social life, slowly letting my closest friends know what she is to me. I feel like if I’m patient enough and loving enough, I can make my husband, my mistress, and myself happy. I’m looking for advice on how to maintain my balance, how to keep my husband from freaking out when, inevitably, “worlds collide,” and how best to treat my lover with the dignity she deserves.