New to poly... Eek!
First of all, hi! Let me introduce myself. I'm Jinxedit, 21 female, Anthropology student. Enjoy music, art, and meditation, and newly polyamorous. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. I will warn you that what follows is a long rant... but I really don't know where else to go for advice.
I've been interesting in polyamory for a while but never found anyone willing to try it out for me. Recently, it happened. I was seeing this really cool guy, W who's interested in being open with me. I should be ecstatic, but I'm not... I'm just confused and sad. I guess I should elaborate. Despite being interested in openness, there's a lot going on in my life and I kind of asked if we could take things slowly. Aside from that, we discussed being sexually open, but I asked him to avoid being emotionally open right away. He said he was fine with that, but about a month into seeing each other, I went away for a weekend and when I came back, he was very much involved with another girl, H. According to him it started out as just sex but within a couple of days he felt that he was in love with her and he wasn't willing to stop seeing her for me, though he still wanted to see me too. I felt incredibly betrayed but I tried to see things from his perspective and communicate with him openly and honestly. I realized that it was a little unfair for me to ask him to take things slow when I am still semi-involved with my ex boyfriend, D; however, I did prioritize my new lover and asked him to set whatever boundaries he felt comfortable with in that regard. Despite feeling betrayed and hurt I decided I was willing to work things out.
Things were really rocky for a while as W started his new relationship with H, but I tried to ride it out. For a while things were better but recently things have just been really, really hard. On top of just being depressed due to having some mood issues, being on my period, and the weather being shitty, I feel jealous and insecure in my relationship with W. I really care about him and I want to keep seeing him, but all the working things out is sapping so much of my time and energy that I just feel constantly shitty. I'm falling behind in school because I can't bring myself to work, especially when I know he's with H. It just makes me hurt inside.
I wonder if maybe I'm just not cut out for polyamory... but I really, really want to be! I'm trying so hard to make things work but I feel like every time we take a step forward we take two steps back. I've realized that both H and I are incredibly emotionally needy people and I'm just not sure W can handle it. I'm trying to be an adult and take care of myself but the stress of everything is seriously dragging me down. I worry that W doesn't love me, I fear that H is stealing him away, even though he continuously tells me that he wants to be with me. It's just hard to trust him after all the drama. But on the other hand, I know he never meant to hurt anyone. None of us have any idea what we're doing.
To complicate things further, over the weekend W and I went to a concert with our friends S and E. We all dropped acid and had a really good time. However, the vibes were kind of weird for me because W hit it off with E really well and they were pretty much together the whole time. I don't want to feel jealous over that, I want to feel happy that W had fun, but I felt a little left out for reasons I can't really understand... maybe because the first part of my trip was really confusing and upsetting on account of originally having gotten bad acid (we got real acid later), and I was wandering around alone for a while trying to find W so I could feel safer. W and E almost hooked up but W stopped and thought about my feelings, which I appreciate, but it still makes me sad that none of that energy really seemed to come my way. I just feel like now that we’re open, he seems to pay less attention to me, want me less, have less energy for me. I don’t want to be greedy but dammit, I want him to want me as bad as I want him! And I just can’t tell if he does. Aside from that, he says that he won't fall for anyone else and want to be with them, thus having even less energy for me, but that's what he said before, so I'm not sure I can trust it.
As a result of everything, I asked W to leave me alone for a while. I'm not sure if this is the end or not... I hope not, but I worry that none of us are mature enough to handle this situation, so maybe it's better if I just let W and H be together for now. But I feel incredibly sad when I think about how I won't see him anymore, won't get to wake up next to him, share things with him, etc. I miss him incredibly already.
I'm not sure if I should just call it quits right now and try to move on, or if I should stick it out. Can anyone help us? I just want us all to be happy. We have no one to turn to for help, and we’re all very confused.
TL;DR: Newly polyamorous, at the point of breaking up with my partner due to constantly feeling jealous, sad, and insecure. Feel like he's less into me now that he's got other prospects and feel left out, but also not sure if I'm paranoid and imagining things. I really need any help I can get.