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Old 10-15-2012, 03:49 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. Ok, so, this is going to sound insane. But for literally the last two years now I've been playing imaginary conversations in my head in which I tell Eric that I love him in various ways. I'm very focused on communication, I think about it a lot. When there's something important that I want to say to someone who matters to me, it drives me crazy not to say it. That's been true with my roommates, my parents, and it's certainly been true in this case.

I've been holding back on this particular topic so stubbornly because it's just seemed so especially pointless, unnecessary, and potentially problematic to speak up. Why upset the equilibrium for NO reason whatsoever? I haven't been able to answer that question, so I've chosen to stay silent, to wait for the need to speak to pass.

It hasn't, in all this time. I've been mulling that fact over for the past week or so, reflecting on the idea that, since this thorn in my brain just isn't going away on its own, I really owe it to myself to finally dislodge it... even if there's no advantage to it, even if it'll make my vulnerability more clear and explicit than I'd like, even if I'm afraid that it'll strip from me a certain degree of imaginary armor, even if I'm afraid that he'll treat me differently.

Just now, I FINALLY stumbled upon exactly the way I want to say it. And, with the phrasing that I want to use now finally in hand, I feel the clarity that I WILL say it, because I HAVE to. His reaction doesn't matter in the end -- this is about me doing what's right for me.

It's something that needs the right moment, so I still don't know when it'll be. But I will, of course, let you all know. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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