Originally Posted by lovely
My most irrational moments are rooted in fears that only exist in my head. Fear of being replaced, fear of losing something sacred about my marriage etc. My husband has done nothing to reinforce or create these fears, they only exist inside of me.
I would disagree with this. Don't be so quick to dismiss your own feelings in these situations. Your feelings are your feelings and you still have to work through them, whether others think they are rational or not.
And the fact is that your husband *did* do something to create those fears by betraying your trust and confidence when he had the affair. Even though you've given permission for their relationship to resume, it doesn't negate the previous breach of trust. Now, I'm not saying you should dwell on it, but forgiving doesn't always mean forgetting ... or failing to be vigilant so it doesn't happen again.
It's a hard place to be in and they are hard feelings to work over. In my last relationship my b/f did something extremely cruel to me - it wasn't intentional; he was reacting instead of thinking, but it was cruel and hurtful nonetheless. He admitted it was cruel, promised not to react that way again, and apologized. However, he would get defensive when I would react cautiously in some circumstances, saying "I apologized for what happened already, many times." I finally had to explain to him that even though I accepted the apology and was willing to move on, the act itself left a mark and he was going to have to accept that I was going to be cautious about certain situations for a while. He expected the apology to just wipe the slate clean as though it had never happened ... and life just doesn't work like that.
Let yourself feel the hurt you feel and work through it rather than branding it irrational and trying to force it away.