Originally Posted by WhatHappened
It doesn't sound like it. You've been through hell together. There's been a traumatic series of events. She's seeking counseling. You've spent a great deal of energy reeling her in from bad influences. You don't entirely trust her. The happiest she's ever been is with a woman (which would apparently mean not with you?)
There's no way she can know you'll always be #1.
Her brother died a very sudden and tragic death in July. Fell 80 feet off a cliff and landed on his head, dead on impact.
In regards to the other woman, she said the happiest she's been with me is when she had the freedom to enjoy that other woman. In my mind, a woman is not a threat to me.
Originally Posted by dingedheart
Hi and welcome,
Can she articulate what's driving this for her. Does she have a crush, read a book, met people who are poly ?
Everyone has deal breakers and knowing and respecting each others is a good thing.
There are several struggling mono threads you might want to read.
Before the relationship with you did she have other serious dating experiences?
How old are you two?
She's my first long term relationship. We met when I was 21 and she was almost 19, we're 25 and 23 now.
She invited me to go out with her and her friends last night. I said I would go, but we'd need to wrap it up around 1. She was adamant about staying out later and said she'd find another ride home. She hopped in the shower, and I began to have rampant thoughts on why my girlfriend wouldn't want to come home at the same time as I did...
Disconcerted as I have been, I discovered a way to bypass the security thingy on her phone. I found out the truth I have been suspecting for almost 1 1/2 years now. She has been involved with her supervisor at work for over a year. In addition, she has also been with 4 other men, and 5 women. Everyone knew, except me; her friends who have come into my home and put on their plastic smiles without telling me the truth, her family, her own mother whom I have been consoling over the death of her son.
Everyone. Fucking. Knew. And I didn't get so much as an anonymous facebook message or note saying as much.
I had been questioning her about it for a number of months, even offered her "amnesty" to tell me whatever is going on without immediate consequence. She always lied. I knew something was going on, in my gut I knew she was cheating, but I never had solid proof. I never had anything definitive and had even beaten myself up about accusing her for it.
I confronted her. Asked her who this person was who she was texting lovey dovey bullshit too. I was simply accusing her of being interested in someone; She admitted her infidelity. And continued to admit it. Long story short, I managed to get out of the house with her phone to see everything with my own eyes.
I took time to myself, sough out her mother for advice, and eventually found my way back to our house. I told her to tell me everything; how and why it happened, what had been going on, why she lied, etc etc. Suffice to say, last night was the most emotionally painful night of my life to this date.
She had been carrying on with her boss for over a year. Had sex with him in our bed. This man, who I was assured by her was just a good friend, had been laying with my girlfriend for a year. I asked her how many times; she said more than she could count. I asked about the others; they were random and far between.
I'm not so concerned about the physical act of what she did, so much as I am hurt, no, fucking devastated that I poured my heart and soul into the woman and helping her cope with her brother's death (among other things) and she was laying with another man when she said she just needed to see a friend.
I don't know what to do. I love her. But how could I ever trust her again? How could anything ever be "normal" again.
We talked until 7 in the morning. I calmed down (My question when I walked through the door at 11pm was "Are you packed?") I have a sense of understanding how her mind worked. I told her that had she come to me in the beginning, that maybe things wouldn't have played out like this. Maybe I would have been okay with this if I had a chance to process it. She tried to say my controlling attitude pushed her away, but that didn't start until after she had been cheating on me for awhile it seems.
What bothers me the most is the length of time and how dedicated she was to this other man. How our sex life had all be vanished, and I felt guilty for having thoughts of fulfilling my needs outside the relationship, while she was already deeply involved with it.
I told her that I could consider the idea of trying to work through this for our son's sake, and maybe things can be better now that this shit is out in the open: She doesn't have to hide what she did, and I don't have to suspect it. I told her that all ties with all people she was involved with, and all of her friends who knew, need to be severed. I told her that I may not ever come around, even if she does that; she agreed. She admitted that her circle of friends had influence over it and egged her on in some cases.
She said she still has the desire to have a much more tame version of what she had with this man. I don't know where I am on that, but from reading A LOT on here and other places, I feel it's something I could handle so long as rules and honesty are the most important factor. Full disclosure, I have a say in things etc. I'm just concerned that I'm setting myself up for more damage if she can't stay true. She said she swears to be brutally honest and allow me full access to her communications and social outlets to prove that she's following the rules.
Does that make me weak and pathetic? I mean, I could easily find someone else; it's not a case of oneitis or fear of being alone. I guess I truly do love her and want to make her happy.
In light of all of this, I have realized that I too may be interested in more of a "FWB" situation than the prospect of being allowed to have NSA sex with anyone who tickles my fancy. I don't know if or how that plays into my decision to give her a second chance, but I'm sure it has some factor. Maybe I can relate to what she did and understand that she lied not to hurt, but because she didn't want to hurt?
I haven't typed this much in one sitting since I was in high school. I appreciate any input, even if you don't read the whole thing. I'm scared, confused, hurt... numb even?