Originally Posted by lovely
You're right about not discounting any pain they may be feeling still. Thanks for the reminder. I think I have tunnel vision right now and my feeling are so close to the surface and if I don't have any visible signs from anyone else I assume I am alone.
I also see the value in the compartments currently, in fact it feels necessary. I am not sure I could currently handle any real integrated scenario.
It gives me comfort to know that you have worked through some of these issues in your own life. And your support means a lot to me. Thanks!
Please don't take this as a push-just a thought ok?
I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to plan 1-2 "dates" a month between you and Mary? Not LONG dates, nor dates at home or with your husband.
Just time for you each to express your sorry over the loss of your friendship and start working through your pain with one another.
Truly-your loss is multi-fold.
here's an off the top of my head list in no particular order:
You lost the trust you had for your husband.
You lost the trust you had for your friend.
You lost the relationship you had with your husband (trying to create a new one now)
You lost the relationship you had with your friend (as of yet not tryng to create a new one)
You may be able to identify MORE.
But with just those-what I see as a complication is that IF you and your husband are agreeing to have a V relationship (he is "with" you and he is "with" her) then it is going to be necessary to do several things:
Heal the trust between you and he (working on that from what you've said) Heal the trust between you and she (does'nt sound like you've started dealing with that)
Building a NEW relationship between you and he, healthier and stronger than the previous one.
Building a NEW relationship between you and her.
I don't think the last thing is possible without the first two being dealt with. The first step to dealign with any problem is admitting it exists, but the second is taking a step to acknowledge it and make a plan for fixing it.
If you and Mary start meeting on your own-it will be much easier to to take those steps. Her "love" for your husband and his "love" for her will NEVER heal the hurt in your about her. ONLY you and her working together can heal your relationship....
I really strongly suggest reading on www.lovemore.com
and on xeromag.com the articles about jealousy and insecurity. They have some GREAT suggestions for actual STEPS to take to get things under control. One BIG thing is understanding that YOU DO HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS. Its not necessary (or helpful) to deny them, but you have to acknowledge them AND face them AND ceal with them too.
It's not easy-but it can be done and you sound like an amazing woman-I believe that with the amount of character your posts show you have, you can do this-and maybe even be the guide to your husband and "ex-friend" in learning a HEALTHIER way of doing this!