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Old 10-14-2012, 05:51 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,900

We don't have as many time management issues as some - since a lot of our time together is shared and the boys were best friends before they were metamours. But I agree with Phy - they have to work on their metamour issues together, you can't do it for them.

BoringGuy - I get your flabbergastedness on the TV remote issue (our TV has been broken for weeks and I couldn't possibly care less) but try thinking of it along the lines of "those little irritating things that bother you when added up over a period of time - day after day after day after day." Like, leaving your socks in the middle of the floor (Dude), or not shutting the doors on the kitchen cupboards (Me), or never remembering to take the trash out even though it is your job (MrS)- when it is YOUR relationship, you either, train the other person to do the thing (yeah, right, like that is going to happen ) OR you just decide that you are not going to let it bother you any more. But now it is not your love that is doing this but your love's don't have nearly the incentive to train yourself to let it go...

PL - you will see a number of people here talk about being "their own primary" or say something about "put on your own oxygen mask first". Not to negate your guys' needs but you HAVE to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. If you need time to yourself - that takes precedence, if you need sleep - ditto; "self" time and "sleep" time are non-negotiable NEEDS. You are responsible for your own needs, they are responsible for theirs. If those conflict permanently then you can't be together...period. But perhaps some of these perceived "needs" are actually "wants" - in which case there is room for negotiation.

NRE vs "protecting his interests" - hopefully this is a time-limited stress! I forget how long you have been with your second love. My NRE with Dude lasted about 9 months on my part, MrS stopped his "interest-protecting" a few months before or after that. Where are all of you along this continuum?


PS. I used to feel that I needed to make "everyone happy" because it was "my fault" that we were in this configuration - after all, I was the one who fell in love with someone while already in love with someone else. I would rush back and forth - driving myself crazy trying to "make sure" that they were both getting their needs/wants/slightest yearnings met. Like because they had agreed to "share" me I had to be "everything" to BOTH of them - so no-one would be shortchanged. Know what? I can't be "everything" to even one person - let alone two, and running myself into a ragged mess, with no time to sleep or recharge left me with even less to give to either of them. You are you, you have strengths/weaknesses/and your own needs. You offer what you have to give, you do your best to pay attention to the big points and either that is sufficient or it isn't...they decide to stay in a relationship with you or they decide to leave - not your call.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-14-2012 at 06:05 AM.
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