Originally Posted by AggieSez
Thanks for the many thoughtful responses to this thread.
I've notice that the vast majority of these responses came from people who are part of a primary-style couple. I'd also love to hear views from solo poly/open people -- that is, people who don't have (and who maybe aren't seeking or don't want) a primary-style relationship of their own.
If you're solo (or maybe just consider yourself "single") and are or have been involved in poly/open relationships as a solo/single person:
- How out are you about being poly/open? In what contexts?
- Why are you out (or not)?
- What issues have you encountered regarding how out your significant relationship partners are/have been -- especially if you've been involved with people who do have a primary partner?
I guess I'd qualify as single/solo for the time being. I ended a secondary-type relationship a few months ago that had been going on for a little over a year. Other than that there are two other women that, while we acknowledge that we love each other, the relationships have not yet become sexual, only borderline romantic at times, and it's not entirely clear if either relationship will become romantic or sexual in the future. At this time it seems to be more in the "friendship" category with both of them. Aside from that, even when I identified as mono, I don't think I've ever been in a primary-type relationship.
However, it is not necessarily that I do not desire a primary-type relationship. I don't have a preference for relationship style; it depends on the person and what feels right. Some people feel right as friends, some as secondaries, or primaries. Each relationship is different, and I go with what works.
This thread has a topic, doesn't it? It was... um... openness. How open am I? Well, this is my left hand:
So, I'm open to those who recognize that symbol, or who ask me about it, or who I tell because I want them to know. So, fairly open. I didn't send out a press release or anything, but I don't make any effort to hide it.
Why am I out? I don't see a reason not to be. I do not have any children, so custody battles aren't a concern. As far as employment goes, my preferred relationship style and having a tattoo on my hand is not relevant to any job. If someone chooses to not hire or fire me over something so trivial, they are obviously terrible at their job and I'd rather not work for someone so incompetent.
The only issue I've had with partners being less open that I am is that it occasionally it feels like they're being dishonest, and I occasionally have trouble determining whether not I can show affection in various public and social settings. Also one time I had a metamour who seemed to think that his position as primary meant that he was entitled to dictate the terms of my relationship with our girlfriend, and that I owed him something for "letting me screw his girlfriend." It wasn't long before that ended poorly for him.
In general, if someone is less open than I am and it's for a legitimate reason, like fear of consequences or just not being comfortable about it, I'm fine with it. I'm not okay with it if it's for reasons involving overt dishonesty or deception.