View Single Post
  #20  
Old 10-13-2012, 02:04 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,622
Default

Quote:
So, an absence of rules specifying that you respect your partner and treat them well implies that it's ok to disrespect your partner and treat them poorly?
It is never ok to treat your partner poorly.

Quote:
And, having rules specifying that your partner treat you well and respect you is supposed to PREVENT them from disrespecting you and treating you poorly?
No. I do not control their behavior. I can only control mine. It's not about preventing them from disrespecting me or treating me poorly.

For me? It's about being on the same page and about willingness to be held accountable. Are you willing to hold ME accountable if I step on your toes? Are you willing for me to hold YOU accountable if my toes get stepped on?

If all this is obvious to them -- yay. We share a laugh and trade dating horror stories over drinks.

If they hem and haw over such basics -- that's telling me all I need to know. Not a serious player, I can pull out now before I get in too deeply involved. *shrug*

If it is someone in between those two things -- well, let's try it and see. And when conflict comes up, it's easy enough to point to agreement they agreed to when there's a calling into account needed.
"Why are you fussing at me that I went to the concert without you? Did you give me the right to responsiveness? I said tell me you want to come by Friday, and I'll buy enough tickets for the group. You said maybe on Monday. I emailed to be sure Wednesday. Nothing Friday -- come and gone. So I let it go and I moved forward without your input. I buy tix Saturday -- none for you. I cannot mind reader you. So you have to own this one. How is it me being "inconsiderate" to you? Did I check in? Yes. Did you respond and give me the right to responsiveness? No."
That keeps it on the measurable actions done/not done rather than derailing into personalities -- "You are not nice, you are inconsiderate, you are too sensitive..."

If you have ever watched other people or experienced it yourself -- conflict going round and round in circles? Oy. Headache.

So much easier to point to agreement and note actions done/not done. There. Everyone holds their own baggage.

Hell, I'm not perfect. Maybe it is ME that needs to be called into account. It's happened before!

Maybe they have a passive style -- I'm very assertive. But if they can just point to agreement -- "Dude, GG! Where is my clear communication you promised me?" then they can move on to feeling better faster. Because I will own it right away and go "Oops! You are so right! I did not realize it seemed that way to you. My bad! I apologize. Can I make it up to you?"

When we are first learning each other in dating -- a passive style personality could be cowed by my temperment. I'm trying to give them a leg up by giving them a tool to use I know that I will respond to. Print the thing, highlight the one, leave it on my desk (or email it and CAPS THE ONE you are talking about) and I'll come find you and sort it out when I see it. There. Easy passive personality route to STILL get the thing solved. You don't have to be all confrontational if that bugs ya. I still like ya how you are. But we move past this kerfuffle in a constructive way.

Because isn't the goal for both to be in harmonious relationship together?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-13-2012 at 02:50 AM.
Reply With Quote