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Old 06-04-2009, 01:00 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 191

sorry but i can only say how i am, i can't really say why i am. not without years of analysis at least! which i don't plan to do.

instead of wondering why some people want certain things and other folk want something different, for me it is more important that i just accept how things are and look at how to move forward with that.

everybody's different, but for me the whole "why" questioning tends to be a way for me to avoid dealing with the reality i am faced with, instead i spend hours/days/weeks questioning why it is that way.

for example, why i do feel angry when this happens? is it justified, rational, fair? days on end wasted with those questions, finally i get to the point : i do feel angry. thats an emotion, therefore it may not be possible to rationalise or entirely understand it. but its here, and it needs dealing with!

many of us have in our youth grappled with the old chestnut "why am i not heterosexual?".

only when we stopped with the questioning did we start to accept that we are queer and to get on with being so.

as many have noted, nobody ever seems to question why they are heterosexual! neither do many question why they need or want monogamy in their sexual/romantic relationships. because its the social norm in our society it never gets questioned, only those of us who differ are faced with the "why" questions.

if he was to ask you why you want monogamy, could you answer?

i can easier say why i don't want monogamy than why i do want polyamory to be honest, but perhaps that's because i have more experience of monogamy in my past relationships, and because i live in a monogamy-focused society!

i don't want to own my lover. i want our relationship to be an opener to new experiences, not a thing which limits and puts boundaries around what they can and can't experience while they are my partner.

i want to be free too, to live spontaneously and with as much love and sex as i feel suits me. i don't want to be meeting people with limits to our potential intimacy already laid out.

i want to work on my insecurities and anxieties in a healthy way, not let them trap me in their web. i don't want to put so much pressure on one relationship to be everything to me.

i want us only to be together because we want to be, not because that's what we decided and must stick to. when he is horny with me i want it to be because he is attracted to me, not because i am the only person he is allowed to be sexual with.

i want to be free to explore the many sides of my self, my sexuality, and my heart. no one person can possibly be everything for me. i want to own my emotions and my desires, not give them over to another to be responsible for.

that's just me though. and i haven't always felt this way.

if you are sure you want to be monogamous and that you want a partner who is too, then i say go for it. insist on nothing less. you deserve the sex and love life that you want, just as much as he does. maybe you aren't compatible in that sense, so maybe you both will need to say a loving and respectful goodbye while you each go look for what you really want.

to my mind it would be awful if a lover adopted a polyamorous lifestyle just to please me, it would also be awful if i became monogamous for any reason other than my own desire to be so. each to their own, but it couldn't work for me i don't think.

Last edited by dakid; 12-15-2009 at 11:02 PM.
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