Originally Posted by redpepper
You are so in touch with your feelings, honour your husbands and the woman he is in love with and honour the delicate nature of the whole situation. Your respect for them is incredible! Yet you don't belittle your own feelings/needs and need to have them. You seem to have a plan on how to handle what will come up and what is going on now emotionally. There are also tones of what could come up in the future that you have considered but acknowledge that you aren't there yet. It sounds like you have a good self esteem and feelings of self worth.
Ahh, that was very kind. My clarity about my feelings and respect for their relationship is my spiritual goal. In reality, I have been ruled by my emotions and in plenty of moments have contradicted that goal. It's hard to remember that emotions are just temporary and they too will pass. I have been reacting hastily in some very irratic emotional moments and it has been hurtful to me personally and my relationship...it's hard to always stay in that place of clarity and heart.
And I wish I felt like my feelings of self esteem and worth were strong. I think the thing I have discovered about myself in the last 6 weeks is that my self esteem/worth is lacking in a lot of ways. My most irrational moments are rooted in fears that only exist in my head. Fear of being replaced, fear of losing something sacred about my marriage etc. My husband has done nothing to reinforce or create these fears, they only exist inside of me. I find that I am having a hard time letting the love he feels for me truly in. So even when he is providing love, comfort and reassurance I can accept it in the moment as real, but it does nothing for me later if I get overcome by an emotion. I feel like I need to find the tools to manage the fear. And add in the pain of the betrayal that I may have left to process and it has gotten a little messy for me. It feels like work I am suppose to do, regardless of my marriage, because to live my life more freely, without irrational fear and self doubt would be a great thing. At 42, I am ready for that kind of transformation. And I think waiting on the other side is an unlimited supply of LOVE!