Have a lot to process today about my date with Knight. I'm meeting Ren for drinks and dinner later, and am very much looking forward to talking things over with him, there's really no one who I can do that with as well as with him..
There was a moment last night when again, looking into his beautiful face, I started to well up and feel the tears burn. I managed to hold them back, I've been crying on every single one of our dates except the first one.. I don't know what it is about this man but he just GETS to me, it's like I am completely open and psychologically and emotionally naked with him, like he looks into my soul, and he sees that I want him and love him, and then decides he can't love me back.
This isn't really true, I know he loves me, but the entire relationship is functioning under his rules and conditions. We are so very very different when it comes to personalities and what we want from life, from love, from connections.
I know he's never ever going to give me what I want. Why do I still feel attached to him? Am I fooling myself that I can just have friendship with him without the baggage and the misery and the frustration?
He said to me last night: "You know, I would really like to kiss you right now, but I can't , because I spoke to my gf this morning and told her I was meeting you, and now she's on my mind, and I can't kiss you even though I want to."
This sums up what he is and how wrong he is for me.. He's not being honest with himself, and he's giving me crumbs of love while I've been asking for cookies for years. of course it's my fault that I accepted the crumbs until now.
I feel sad today. I don't know why it's so hard for me to be happy with what I have, and am still looking for more. Sometimes I feel its just that I have so much love to give, and that I want to explore so many different types of relationships, learning about myself and love and life along the way. And then on days like today I feel that that is all just a load of arrogant crap and what I'm really doing is desperately looking for validation and attention. I don't know.
Time for my date with Ren, which will ground me a bit I hope.
Am contemplating going to a retreat for a couple of days, end of November... a place without any of my men and a place without internet. I think that would be good for me