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Old 10-12-2012, 01:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,806
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I wouldn't want rules micromanaging my behavior or my feelings. I don't think anyone does!

Whether people call it
  • rules
  • agreements
  • principles
  • code of conduct

...or whatever else they might call it? Most people just want to be treated nicely in relationship.

I want rights and responsibilities laid out and agreed to verbally when we start to date. That THIS is how we agree to be together if we agree to be in a romantic relationship. So we can be cool together.

Because in my experience? It makes calling each other into account a whole lot easier. Life is life. Conflict arises.

In a perfect world it would not even be needed ever. But world is not perfect. People are not mind readers. Not everyone comes from the same family background, culture, or even level of experience in polyshipping. Not everyone wants the same things from a romance, or even wants them to come in the same way. There must be a a time to sort all that out and "calibrate" the expectations, wants, needs so you can work together well.

My first relationship I thought
  • Do not lie to me
  • Do not cheat on me
  • Don't be a jerk to me

was enough. It wasn't! I might want those things done, partner even wanted to do those things. But he did not know HOW -- his skill set for interpersonal relationship was poor. He wasn't a major jerk or criminal or anything. He was mostly a nice person... with weak skills and he lacked self confidence. He had a hard time with articulation and this caused a lot of conflict because of his passive personality. He was afraid of conflict resolution and would avoid it -- just ugh. And small things add up. We were not in harmony. We broke up.

And over the years I realized -- you know what? It's a whole lot easier on me to weed them out if I just state from the get go some basic principles of HOW I want to be treated in relationship. What kind of behavior I expect here.

DH? 20 years in? We rarely pull it out. Gosh, not since we first moved in together. They aren't really needed for us on our tier. But dating a new person? Tell me how you work. I can tell you how I work.

So just easier to list and articulate how I want/expect to be treated from the get go. Ask the person to treat me like I want to be treated even if things that "should" be obvious. I want the verify. I do not want to assume. Are these things obvious to you?

Ask this person how they want/expect to be treated. Then treat them that way that they like. Regardless of who is the lover, the meta, the spouse, whatever. So we can be cool together, in harmonious relationship because we all operate on the same standard and we have chosen to be in relationship together.

Otherwise we just cannot be in relationship together. We do not see eye to eye.

Platinum Rule, not Golden Rule.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-12-2012 at 09:10 PM.
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