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Old 12-16-2009, 12:03 AM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293

Originally Posted by dakid View Post
been talking about polyamory as in not being primary or having hierarchies of lover in any way, since the summer.
as of a month ago both have new lovers outside our relationship, and i am struggling big time.
i wanted this as much as he did, although i didn't so much go out looking for potential other lovers as he, i'm happy i met my new lover. trouble is i can't stop thinking about his lover.
i am noticing all the differences between my new lover and his, thinking his is more likely to become an emotionally intimate primary type relationship with her whereas my new lover and i will be more casual with each other.
i am comparing myself to her, his new lover, and using the comparisons to criticise myself on every level.
part of me doesn't want to be sexual with him even, kind of turned off by the "competition" that doesn't really exist except in my crazy head.
any advice people?

As you may be aware, jealousy might be a sign of other issues... here are a couple of thoughts/ things to think about:

Do you think that you maybe do want to be a "primary" with him?

Can you Identify what sets you apart from her? reading this, it seems like there migh be security issues at play here? Maybe if you identified what was special about yourself and only you, you wouldn't feel so competitive.

Also - this might be obvious, but what do you really want? If what you want is to be in a relationship with him, then go for that... i.e. don't let your head play games with you and sabotage things. Find a way to be happy for him. I always go back to "be a friend first, lover second". This though usually puts me on the path I want to be on. If I treat people as friends I usually put both my needs and thier needs at the forefront, like I would my best platonic gal friends.
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