To add, D's mood swings and habits are incredibly frustrating to be around because he completely lacks any kind of self-awareness, impulse control, or decision-making/problem-solving skills when it comes to his emotional life.
He is constantly "working on it" and "trying" and he doesn't realize that unless he is actually DOING something in the real world that nothing is actually happening. He just does what he feels like in the moment and doesn't realize that he needs to pay attention and make changes and actually think about things in order to effect change.
Any time we try to talk about it, he claims he is exhausted and that "he knows he's an asshole" and he's being trying really hard and that he doesn't have the energy for it right now. He runs into self-pity and self-hatred as an escape mechanism from actually dealing with any of the issues at hand. He constantly feels like life is just too hard and that he "deserves a break" when a break means continuing to indulge in the same self-destructive behaviors that brought on his difficulties and mood swings in the first place and just perpetuating this ridiculous cycle.
I'm really starting to feel myself emotionally withdrawing from this, but I don't even want to begin to think about the impact it is going to have on our household. I know I can't string him along if I want the relationship to end because that will be terrible for both of us, but I don't know if I really want it to end, or if I want the style of relationship to shift.
I really think I'd just like a break or a shift to a secondary or tertiary type relationship for a while instead of him being a co-primary with R. I would like for my time and emotional energy to be available to invest more in myself and potentially looking for another secondary or tertiary relationship that can meet my physical needs and not be a drain on me constantly.
I just don't know how to make that happen without sending D into the aforementioned tailspin and causing mountains of turmoil in our household.