How to bring us back from the edge?
I am back with more questions. After my last post I had a sit down with my boyfriend, Leaf. I had some handouts about polyamory that I had found online at practicalpolyamory.com which I shared with him and told him, "This is what I thought polyamory is supposed to look like."
I thought we made great progress. He admitted that he understood how his actions were making me feel the way I do - normally he focuses entirely on my reaction and not at all on the action itself.
He has spent a lot of nights at his new lover's house over the last few weeks. More than he has spent at home in fact. Over this past weekend they spent away together they had independently decided that they should not spend as many nights together going forward as they are not getting enough homework done. This felt like a bittersweet joy for me because it meant I would have him home more, but I would have liked to be the reason he was coming home.
He says he misses me when he's away from me. He says he loves me, but that our love has evolved. He says he might be falling out of love with me - he doesn't really know. He says nothing at all about the other girl (we can call her Flower). I ask him questions about her, but he deflects and tries to spare my feelings.
He agreed that we could have a date night together - said he would like that very much. We went to bed that night happy and all through the next day I felt back to normal - my heart stopped pounding so bad, my hands stopped shaking, my appetite came back, the adrenaline subsided.
We talked about how I feel neglected and my needs are not getting met - emotional, intimacy, sexual. He agreed he has been neglecting me. I didn't want to make a list of things he must start doing but I gave some suggestions - call me now and then to see how I am, smile and come kiss me when you see me finally at the end of the day, wrap your arms around me every now and then, any little gesture to show that you care. He said he would try.
I asked him how Flower feels about Leaf and I. He says they don't talk about me. He told me once that she completely gets our relationship, but I asked him what that meant and he said she just accepted it right away. I asked for more details - turns out she asked him a few questions. One of them being, "is it because you have no spice in your relationship anymore?" This is a HUGE red flag for me. It means she does not understand polyamory. She thinks this is an open relationship because we are dating other people before breaking up I think. I may be reaching here but I think she has no intention of sharing him with me.
I came home from a 12 hour work day yesterday. I asked about his day and asked him about school. I tried several times to kiss him, to cuddle with him, to hug him. He was reluctant or completely ignored my attempts at affection. When I pointed out how he was brushing me off he dropped what he was doing and came over to give me a squeeze and a couple hard and fast kisses - then he said, "there is that better?" and walked away.
I didn't want to believe the people who said this was the end, but I think I have just realized that he can't love two people at once. I asked him this morning and he said he "thought" he could.
I know what you will all say - just move on now and let it go. But I have to try and save this. Please, please help me. Has anyone ever been this close to the end and saved it? I need hope. I am dying inside right now.
Last edited by LostInLove4; 10-11-2012 at 04:57 PM.