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Old 10-11-2012, 01:47 PM
movesthroughyou movesthroughyou is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Default Falling in love too easily? Now in a complicated 3 way relationship.

Background info: I'm a gay male who just hit 30, been in a loving relationship with my partner for 8 years (not without it's ups and downs) and we recently (2 years ago) decided to open up our relationship to others as I wasn't meeting his needs entirely. My partner was the more sexually active one and he was fooling around outside of our relationship till I found out and he's said he wanted to change for me.

It started out without any emotional commitments, basically us looking for a 3rd to join us in the bedroom. This normally happened while we were traveling as we didn't want to risk being seen as a "weird couple" back home. But it quickly evolved into us looking for a 3rd stable person to join us on a regular basis. Someone we could both share our lives with.

This is the 2nd emotionally connected 3 way relationship we've been in. The first was messy, the 3rd person was already involved with someone and while I fell hard for him and my partner didn't. The 3rd was not able to reciprocate the same feelings.

We met our current 3rd a year ago. And we were always clear that we would head into this 3way only if everyone was equally interested in the other two involved (naive I know and we've adapted to it since).
Recently the 3rd (J) has said that while he has feelings for me, he hasn't allowed himself to fall in love with me as he has no feelings for my partner (T). J said that he knew he really liked me from the moment we met, and while he dislike my partner T, he doesn't feel any love toward T.

What complicates matters is that J is in HK while my partner and I are in Singapore. I travel up often as it's easier for me to do so, spending 7-10 days each month with him. My partner who's been financially taking on the burden of travel expenses tries to fly up as often as he can but it's been usually limited to weekends. T puts in so much and gets so little in return in terms of affirmation or quality time which I know he needs.

I've been asked (by J) whom I love more, to which I responded saying I love both of them differently and I don't think it's a question of how much I love them individually but rather that I love both of them to a point I can't imagine my life without either of them.

J's been wanting to call it quits. He's tried several times to end the 3way relationship but each time I visit him and he tries to call it off, he "relents" and says he'll continue pretending he has feelings for T as he doesn't want to lose me.

This recent trip though, J has said again that he only really wants 1 person and not two. And that the only way for us to be together would be if I were single. Yet he doesn't want me to leave T, he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who stole me from T. J says that he sees T as a really good friend and a fuckbuddy. But doesn't have feelings of love for him. He knows that T has been doing a lot to make it possible for J and I to meet.

So I'm here wanting both.

My partner T said that as long as he's in the picture he's fine whichever way I choose, he's even open to me taking up a V relationship position even if it means not adhering to the 3way agreement we entered.

J originally said that him and I would only continue if I were single. I said I would leave T for him if he wanted me to, and he's said that he doesn't want me to do that and has since said that he will be happy with whatever I decide as long as I'm not depressed from the thought of losing either one.

So I'm here and I'm stuck with making a decision, to pick either and feel miserable, or to have them both in a relationship with me and having them not entirely happy.

I mean I love both. I understand that with J it's probably NRE talking but I tried saying goodbye to him and he broke down crying. And T has been extremely understanding, he's even come out to say that he sees that J and I love one another immensely and that he wouldn't want to take that away from either of us. That I'm different with J, carefree, joyful and loved.

I know I'm not entirely coherent in this post. But I feel like I need to get some of the thoughts out or I'm going to burst. I'm distracted at work & life, I ran past two traffic lights without knowing today. Was pulled over by a cop, who asked me "What's wrong?" instead of writing me a ticket. I've said stupid things like how if anything should happen to me, both my partners would get half of whatever came out of it.

Last edited by movesthroughyou; 10-11-2012 at 01:53 PM.
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