Mags: You make me think, and I like it.
My time is so limited with the friends that I DO like because of our dynamic lives that I too see the wisdom in not seeing Sync at all. That being said, I see a couple of problems with just avoiding this situation. One is transportation. The other is inadvertent avoidance of personal growth.
We have an hour plus gap to bridge between our home and our lovers' abodes - the downside to living in our lovely little town is that it creates a lot of travel for our friendly hang out nights. On weeknights (when we're doing our friendly dates ever second week), this presents quite a challenge. Willow's very happy to make the drive, which creates a collective solution to this; Sync can take a train to his general place of being, and he can drive them both out here/back to said place of being. This means that Elemental and I can ready the house for guests, make dinner, etc. and entertain at our place. Elemental gets up at 5:30 in the morning - not conducive to late nights/driving for three hours there/back after work in order to see Sync. So! Options! Hmmm.... we could drive to a middle ground between us, and meet them there and go our separate ways for the evening? This is less of a realistic option, as it means spending money on dinners/drinks/etc - not a huge deal, but Sync is a student with limited funds, Willow is frugal, and we're adjusting to the added expenses associated with a vacation property that we purchased this Spring. I'd love to hear ideas around that - feedback anyone? Co-friendly dates are also slated for Lily, Willow, Elemental and I - those will not be awkward, and I'm looking forward to those ones!
We have also discussed the intention of getting comfortable having dyad sleepovers at our place - if we don't co-hang out as dyad-friends, we will never get to that place, and I can see that place as being pretty sweet/fun from a hangout perspective.... maybe not so much with Sync at present (or possibly ever) but the idea in itself appeals to me.
By simply avoiding Sync, I am pretty cognizant that I may also miss the opportunity for personal growth around transitioning from relationship to friendship in a triad situation. As part of my poly growth, I think this is pretty important - it seems to be the norm for triads to always be lopsided, and I would like to experience this in a less rocky way in future. Granted better communication on Sync's part would help, but then again.... if she were a better communicator, we probably wouldn't be having this problem right now at all, LOL. In my past, I think I have always been able to take space after a breakup before processing and getting to a place of being friends. A great example of this would be Mahogany and I; I know that I want to be friends with her, but it's too difficult for me right now. I'm getting there, but without that space, I'd be lost/confused. Hence, where I am right now. Should I be bothering? I honestly don't know. Feedback on that would be appreciated too. This feels like a fucky situation, but maybe it's not as fucky as I think.
I also feel that it's important that I have the capacity to be supportive and accepting of Elemental's lovers as people, and co-create a culture of friendship between metamours/partners. We don't have a large family, nor do we have children, so in some ways this is our chosen family. I don't want to write off a year of my history, and of hard work in and not consider healing what's inside of me and at least being friendly with her. It also makes Elemental sad that I am at odds with Sarah, and while I don't live my life to please him, I also don't want to create bad feelings where I might be able to work towards positive ones. I think I'm looking at this from a more philosophical place than I might need to, but that's kind of how I process my life in general - a work in progress, moving towards a more evolved, brighter way of being at all times.
Re my signature.... Sync has expressed a desire to continue being lovers with me, as has Elemental in regards to continue having threesomes with us. At present this is not an option for me mentally, although my vagina and general pervy nature is trying to convince me otherwise at times. This is also why I haven't changed my by-line.... or is that bi-line.. ahahahaha! The potential for continuing to have hot sex is very much still on the table. It's overwhelming to think about at present, and not something that I'm currently considering - however, if I can move through this transition and come out in a less emotional/reactive place, I can see us all being longish term lovers. Just saying this right now is a bit much. Ugh. She's edging towards a FWB long term from what I can see, and is pretty comfortable with this arrangement in her life in general - seems to have this as an ongoing thing with at least three people that I know of. If/when my emotional complications matter less/smooth out, I could see myself being open to it, but I just need to let that one go for now.... the byline may change at the end of this post... or tomorrow... LOL. Kind of avoiding thinking about it. I would agree that I might be mistaking gratitude for love; this is a beautiful suggestion, and I thank you for that.
So yah, that's about as concise as I can be about all of that. You have a way of cutting through things that apparently I'm not capable of. Apparently I'm overly wordy, LOL. Might serve me well when I'm writing my chick lit poly book