How does needing anyone affect other people's perception of you?
Ask them. I'm not them.
My perception of myself? I feel I am a whole, complete person. I am not a broken half-person seeking another broken half-person to “complete” me so we can be a "whole couple unit." The baseline unit is not the couple. It is the person.
I am a whole person. DH is a whole person. We do not complete each other as individual persons. We complement
each other in a partnered relationship. I cannot be in a partnered relationship without -- duh! -- the partner!
But I can always
be my best me I can be. Partnered or not.
Do I need him? No. Do I enjoy him? Gods, yes! I want him! I love him! With a passion! Whee!
But is it an actual need?
No. If he died? I would grieve. A hole would be in my world forever. But I would not be dead. I would go on living, and yes, I would find another partner if I so desired and I would enjoy them. I didn't die and stop living. He did.
Are you revolted by people who are looking for a partner versus people who are just out to enjoy life and see finding a partner as a nice side effect?
No. Both are still "open to a partnering.” HOW they go about it? Doesn't matter to me. That's their biz. Slow meandering or aggressively dating. Whatever they like. It's on them. I would put the question as
"Do you find broken people attractive to date? Do you want to date people who are afraid to be alone and want to be with you just to not be alone?"
I like being alone. I'm introverted. But alone is not lonely. And liking to be alone doesn't mean I have poor relationship skills. I do not like desperate. I do not like to be put on a pedestal defended from all others. I do not like cling-on. I like to be treated like a valued partner and a person and companion. Not a possession and a thing. I am not your machine like a dispenser of needs met.
- I am not the object of your affections.
- I am the PERSON you feel affection FOR.
It's starts to feel too Golem creepy the other way. “My precccciiious!”
One of my exes told me I ought to lower my standard and I would be happier. I asked him if he was worried about making the cut? Because I wasn't unhappy with my standard. Changing the bar to lower my expectations to a lesser standard would INCREASE my applicants, sure. But would it also increase my happiness? No.
I don't want to invite shenanigans into my life that can be avoided by carefully selecting the company I keep wisely. Who wants that?
Thanks, but no thanks. Will keep standard high! Jedi Players, please. No Muppet Show chaos! Muppets I like watching on TV. I do not want to live in perpetual chickens squawking and fish flying chaos!
Do you encounter this?
Yes, I have. Broken people wanting to seek people to "complete" them. Healthy people are not attracted to broken people. So they usually attract other broken people to them instead. In relationships – these people being emotional vampires.
They are a drain.
In relationships? Being with a vampire feels to me like no real no two way relationship can be had. “Relationship” implies back and forth exchanges. There is no exchange. There is me filling a hole of need. And if they avoid doing the work to put the cork in their leaky bucket? They never feel full. I'm never done filling so I can have a turn being filled in turn.
I feel the answer is not without. "Must find person to complete me! aaaah!" It is within -- to do the personal growth required to fill themselves up to complete full tank and become a person of substance. "Must work on me to I have something to offer a partner in partnered relationship." is a better attitude.
THEN be dating to COMPLEMENT someone in partnered relationship and be complemented in turn. Because now they have something to offer. A good share, versus being a sucking drain.
Does it bother you?
No. I do not friend or date broken people. I do not work in a job that deals in broken people. So my exposure to this type of needy vampire is low. Just my sick elder dad and he's needy enough for my whole plate. Love him but do not want MORE! I can't help who my father is. I CAN help who my BF might be! [/INDENT]
If you feel repulsed by this, and your partner behaved this way in seeking another partner, what would your reaction be?
Yay. Go be with other partner. We can break up (assuming I reached my saturation point and am giving up on them doing their personal growth needed.)
I had a partner like that. He behaved that way even in monoship – I never wanted to even deal in romantic polyship with him because he was so insecure about my male friends. Having another BF? No way. My reaction was initially sympathy and pity and encouragement, and later annoyance that I was suggesting what to do when he asked but he did not listen. I was offering to help and he was not willing to work on himself. Why ASK me then?
Then disappointment in him and in the relationship. Then sadness. Then lonely/bored/empty/depressed. Then annoyed. Then? Acceptance.
If he did not want to do the work to put a cork in his leaky bucket hole?
No amount of my refilling would top him up to full. All my energy going down a black hole of never ending need. I cannot control him to make him cork it. But I can control ME. I stopped filling. I walked away. It was less lonely and less draining to walk away to be ALONE. Than to be lonely while with him perpetually trying to fill. [/INDENT]
Have you been like this and overcome it? If so, how?
I am not like this. My ex? He called me up a decade later to apologize, tell me he was in therapy. I congratulated him even though I was bewildered at the call and I assumed I must be his “apology homework” of some kind. So I accepted apology, wished him well. I don't know the details of what all he did, but he sounds better and then another 10 years later he got married.
I really do wish him the best. I bear no ill will. I enjoyed my short time with him that was good. Did NOT enjoy the ending bit. Happy to hear he's ok in the world. Dating is the seeking time -- not all will be runners. So it is.
Still glad I got out. I don't think I could have endured 20 years of shenanigans and avoidy before he finally
committed to HIMSELF to find where to put his corks in and could become a fit partner person for someone! Zoiks! Better late than never for him... but better for ME sooner than THAT and yay for breaking up.
It's one of those cases where me and him together? I was good for HIM. But he was not great for me. He wasn't horrible. When he was fun he was fun. When he was moody broody he was a drag. But he was not complementing me in a partnership while dating so I saw no need to commit further there.
I was tending a dependent. It was not interdependence.