The ultimatum has been dropped by me-as of last night when the discussion happened.
I laid it out as
this is non-negotiable.
I compared it to BDSM.
There is no room for play until negotiations of soft and hard limits has been established AND AGREED TO.
These boundaries are the soft/hard limits of our polydynamic. No agreement to them-no play. PERIOD.
He is devastated.
But-he understands BDSM negotiation well and agreed that it did make sense.
He also clearly grasped that the "it's too complicated" crap was CRAP after I gave the examples regarding the fact that EVERYONE has boundaries and limits-even singles and monos.
MOST don't state them and thus end up ruining relationships with unnecessary toe stomping-but the boundaries and limits exist none-the-less.
Everyone has time constraints, everyone has financial limitations, everyone has safer sex limitations (even if their limit is a free for all-that is their limit), etc.
Asking that someone be AWARE of ours before playing on our game board isn't "too complicated" it's actually respectful and considerate of THEM. I elaborated here:
Ironically-where things stand, I am still stuck.
I have no way of knowing if they are in contact, unless he tells me (or I go searching which I don't have time, energy or interest in doing).
But-trusting him is out too-because he's proven himself untrustworthy and nothing significant has happened to prove otherwise in the week since.
In point of fact-they were continuing to talk yesterday and there has been no forward progress.
I am now at the point of believing that in order for OUR relationship and OUR family to heal from the insanity of HIS out of control wishy-washy behavior, triggered by his desperation to cling to her-
she needs to be OUT OF THE PICTURE ALL TOGETHER.
He needs to look at himself and see that the emotional toll "chasing her" is taking on him is damaging him AND HIS WHOLE LIFE-including work, physical health, emotional health, mental stability and his family.