OK - I'm trying to understand what is going on, so that I can try my hand at advising but there are a couple of factors here that are not making sense to me so I have some questions.
To try to streamline - my understanding is:
You have been in a Long-Distance Relationship (LDR) with your boyfriend for 5+ years. (Although you say "dating" - so maybe you aren't considering it a "relationship" until you move in?)
During this time he has been asking you to move in with him - which you have now agreed to.
ALSO during this time he has been seeing someone locally - which you have known about. 1.) I am assuming she is local because you talk about them being "bonded and together" while you are out of state. 2.) I am also assuming that she knows about you since she "has suggested that she be allowed to remain in a relationship with him as a second partner."
For some reason, that is unclear to me, you were under the impression that if you moved in with him then their relationship would end. She also seemed to be under this impression - since she is suggesting that this does not have to be the case.
So, where did this impression come from? Did you and he have an agreement that he could see people locally while you were living in different states? Have you been seeing other people locally as well?
"I've always kind of been his dirty little secret." Why? Or rather, in what way? Is it because he has been casually dating this woman locally and hasn't mentioned to friends and family that he has a LDR girlfriend as well in case they are seen out-and-about and he doesn't want to be viewed as a cheater? How long have they been seeing each other? Has he dated other women locally during this time? Did they know about each other?
You say "I'm looking forward to starting my life with my boyfriend." Which makes it sound like you are embarking on a whole new relationship, rather than a new stage of your journey in an established relationship. How do you see your relationship changing as you transition from LDR to co-habitation?
After 5 years of talking about moving in together it seems like you would have worked out a lot of this stuff already. During the last 5 years, how much time have you actually spent together? Visiting each other for weekends? Staying with each other for extended periods of time? Traveling together?
I find it strange that someone you have been dating for 5 years, who has been asking you to move in with him, is not providing you the support and reassurance that you need in making a major life change (moving to a different state, changing jobs, living with someone else). This is completely outside of the weird-poly-ish dynamic...where he is seeing someone else and you assumed he would stop when you agreed to move in with him.
Is there some other component to this that would help explain some of the above? Is there a BDSM/kink factor going on - for instance, where you are moving from an online Dom/Sub time-limited relationship to a 24/7 thing and she is a local "play partner"?
Again, just trying to understand how things have evolved to this point so that appropriate advice can be given...
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married (to TT) female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-09-2012 at 03:33 PM.