Scared and Hurt
I know I shouldn't be either but I can't help it (or figure out how to stop it).
Sunday night while I was drifting to sleep I overheard Lamian and Primal talking. Mostly about sex and everything to make sure that we don't end up getting any cooties spreading around (a good bulk of it was about if Peaseblossum is having sex with other women that we don't really know about).
So the scared part. Primal told Lamian that while he doesn't want any other relationships because he's spread thin enough with just us three he may have a fling now or then. Why that got me scared. I'm fine with the fling part, but I just remember that our relationship (and his and Peaseblossum for that matter) started out as flings that just kinda grew into more. I'm third in his life and if that was to happen with another I'm scared of our relationship dying because of it. I know I need to talk to him about it but I have zero idea how to broach the topic. Or when. Cause I don't want to put this on him right now because his and Peaseblossum's aniversary is this weekend and I don't want my mental stuff even possibly clouding their time together.
The hurt part. I love Lamian. Quite a bit. But I've been slowly coming to the realization that she doesn't see us as more than play friends and metamours (which I guess would put us kinda in between paramours and metamours because we do have a BDSM relationship). The hurt part was just hearing her talk about the fact that she wants a relationship with a female because having two relationships with guys don't give her what she needs/wants from a relationship from a female. I know that just hearing that at the moment hurts because I'm still having myself come to terms with the fact she doesn't see me as relationship (outside of BDSM) material for her.
So now I'm just sitting here trying to figure out where to go with both of these things to hlep foster my own self-care.