So yeah... I have been to the poly board once in about a year or more. I'm sure most of the people on here now likely have no idea who I am or forgot about me if they ever knew in the first place. No matter, the short version is I'm friends w/LR, Maca, GG and the rest of the peas in their pod. I've been watching all of this from the sidelines for the most part but after BSNG (Boundary-Stomping New Girl) *giggling* announced their boundaries were "too complicated" to discuss, I felt compelled to post this on LR's main blog:
I think the issues go far deeper than just one person’s self-centered lack of interest in putting time and energy into a relationship she doesn’t deem worthy of the effort.
Boundaries in any relationship are more than just a set of rules to be jumped through like hoops. When a monogamous couple makes a commitment to one another, they establish compatibility by discussing their values, expectations, needs, goals etc. If they decide to commit to the relationship long-term, they exchange vows as well which are intended to symbolize the covenant and “contract” of sorts between the couple.
In a poly relationship, those values, expectations, needs, and goals have to be discussed between EVERYONE involved with the dynamic in order for this mutual compatibility to be established. Anyone who doesn’t grasp this concept, or isn’t willing to put in the extra effort it takes to accomplish this basic foundation of ANY relationship, has no business being involved in a poly dynamic. Particularly when the person in question claims to be experienced in “poly” relationships.
It’s my impression that she actually has NO experience in polyamorous relationships. There is no question she has experience in OPEN relationships. According to her own accounts, her spouse is OK with her seeing whomever she wishes, but her boyfriend is NOT. Despite this, she actively pursues other relationships which has resulted in at least one physical altercation. This communicates to me that what she actually desires is to have a relationship WITHOUT boundaries of any kind. She can’t be bothered to sit down and go over “complicated” lists of rules and boundaries, not because she doesn’t value this potential relationship, but because she doesn’t value rules and boundaries PERIOD.
She’s already demonstrated she does not respect her current SO’s boundaries and they are less important to her than her desire to be able to do what she wants. Furthermore, she’s demonstrated it’s not important to her to learn what the boundaries/rules are in Maca’s dynamic. She has learned from Maca that he broke his own rules and violated his covenant with LR. The reason this wasn’t significant to her is because she doesn’t value rules and boundaries, not because she values the relationship with Maca. The reason she wants him (and LR) to make exceptions to the covenant they made with each other on her behalf is not because she thinks THEIR rules shouldn’t apply to her. It’s because she thinks rules shouldn’t apply to her PERIOD.
Personally, if I were in LR's shoes my terms for BSNG and Maca pursuing a relationship of any nature from this point forward would be very simple. There would be only one requirement: ABOLISH YOUR ENTIRE BOUNDARY LIST. If he and she wish to pursue a relationship without boundaries or rules, then that goes both ways. He needs to decide exactly how important rules and boundaries are to HIM.
The reason behind my statement is simple. It's unreasonable and unfair to expect other people to know when it's ok to toss the rules out the window and when it's not. If the rules are arbitrary depending on who they're applied to, then the rules are pointless and you may as well not have any.
Furthermore, I'm well aware that Maca & LR sit down yearly and made adjustments to their boundary list. As many of you noted, their boundaries are very well defined, extremely detailed and considerably limit the relationship between LR and GG. Guess who is missing from this annual negotiation of boundaries that govern and define his rights within his family and his primary and ONLY partner? GG. He has absolutely ZERO right to give input to the rules that he's expected to follow in explicit detail, despite having put in YEARS of work and effort within that family and poly relationship. He's not even poly!!! But this Boundary Stomping New Girl comes sauntering into the picture and the rules are supposed to bend for her because they're "unreasonable and complicated?"
Tough. Seriously... too f@!#%$ bad!! How many hours and hours have all of you put into being on this message board, trying to learn what you can from each other in the interest of making things work within your poly situation? You're here now, following LR & Maca's situation, evaluating their boundary rules, offering advice and considering how to apply some of what you've learned to your own relationships. Yet, she finds it "too complicated" just to sit down and let someone explain all this to her... for her own benefit. If you don't want to play by the rules, you get sent to the penalty box. Continue not to play by the rules, you get ejected from the game. That's simple reality.
I won't pretend to know all that much about poly, but one thing I DO know about making it work is this: everyone involved in the dynamic MUST be capable and WILLING to ensure that ALL the other people connected to the dynamic are getting their primary needs met to the greatest extent possible. If any single person in the relationship is hyperfocused on there OWN needs to the detriment of anyone else involved, and they refuse to re-direct their focus outward, it's only a matter of time until the whole thing implodes.
Maca's actions and attitude regarding this entire situation have been so clearly self-centered that it shocks me he can't see that THAT is what prevents him from finding a long-term secondary partner. The best advice anyone could have ever offered to him was given to him years ago by his & LR's son: "Dad... get over yourself."
"Life is too short to always sit around worrying about the bad shit that could happen. It's a lot more fun to go start some shit of my own. "
Last edited by midnightsun; 10-09-2012 at 10:38 AM.