How do boundaries work part two-a potential new partner..
This weekend, I met a lady, who I may at some point be interested in having more of a personal relationship with. Who knows.
I didn't tell HER that. That would be AWKWARD! We just met.
I DID tell Maca that. That is how the boundary comes into play with "ok'd by SO".
I won't be telling her that.
I didn't tell her there is a limit to 1-2 visits a week with her either.
I KNOW THAT-so I won't schedule more than that. She DID ask me when I was in town (I live out of town) and I told her that M,W,F I am in town. I didn't tell her "alone time visits" can only be 1 time a week.
She doesn't need such details! I know that-so I will respect that agreement with my partner. Same with romantic dates being ok-she doesn't need to know that. If we get to that point, and one or the other of us asks for a date that is romantic in nature, it's ok so I can go.
I won't tell her "I have to ask my SO if it's ok before inviting you out to a family gathering". That would already have been DONE if I were inviting her!
I won't be telling her my SO is always welcome to join me-I live my life that way. i will let her know "WE are going to be in town-are you avail for coffee or a walk?" If she invites me I would say, "I'd love to, Maca and I are going to be in town that day we'd love to come!"
I don't need to tell her what behaviors aren't allowed sexually. I won't try to do them. If she does, I would simply stop her gently and tell her, "I find you very attractive, but this is too fast for me."
So, no I don't think these boundaries are complicated for another person. Because most of it-they need not go over with us.
The only key pieces that need to be addressed are as follows:
1. I'm part of a loving, committed, full time family that is pretty complicated. I'm a student, I homeschool two kids and babysit my grandson. My husband and my boyfriend work full time and we try to devote weekends to the family.
(THAT is something I say so many times a day I can't begin to imagine it being awkward to bring up-it's a natural part of describing ME)
2. Unfortunately, that makes my schedule CRAZY hectic and limits my social availability. (again, this is such a frequent statement in my day-that it's not awkward)
IF we're already at the stage of aiming to be sexually active:
3. I have herpes. I don't use protection with my husband or my boyfriend. We've agreed that we won't have sex with outside lovers before STI tests are done all around. We also commit to taking them every 6 months.
**THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE and it's a primary point of contention with her**
4. Because of family responsibilities, overnights aren't a realistic option for me right now.
That's it. The rest is a matter of me and him choosing to behave in the way we've defined for our relationship. As it's OUR behavior-it's not necessary to define it for someone else.
IF they asked questions about it-then I would hope we would answer honestly.
Where things have gone awry with her-is that he laid everything out as if every issue that may arise was based upon MY "rules" for him. When in fact these are the limits WE want for OURSELVES. He did it because he's so desperate to have SOMEONE-that he will say or do whatever he thinks they want to hear in order to impress them. It's happened with EVERY SINGLE WOMAN he's been interested in.
The result is that HE is disrespecting himself and me. He could simplify the process by internalizing the expectations HE HAS for our relationship and then simply living them and claiming them.
"Can you spend the night?" being answered with "LR wouldn't agree to that" complicates his life. He could answer truthfully with, "my family is my top priority, and those responsibilities make that impossible." That would answer the question point blank. I've done it-and it works.
She tries to kiss him the first time they meet-"I'm sorry, I find you very attractive, but I'm not comfortable with kissing yet."
Being upfront and openly honest and proactive in keeping his family involved when he's dating.
It's not hard, I've done it since I was 16. I never went on a "first date" one on one. I ALWAYS invited them to a family or group function that was "kid friendly" and included my daughter.
BECAUSE-then I immediately weeded out all of the people who weren't up to sharing me with my ALREADY EXISTING responsibility (daughter). If they made it through hanging out with the group, and they were friendly with her, they might make it to a one on one date eventually.
Dating one on one and privately from the get go creates complications, because it doesn't weed out the people who are looking for the one on one or single life experiences.
By keeping my dating online with my reality, I simplify the process of finding people who ACTUALLY fit with my REAL life. People who are actually able to understand the limitations that come with my current responsibilities. People who aren't expecting what I can't offer.
IF on the other hand I choose to schedule one night a week to go date someone without inclusivity-I limit myself significantly in regards to how involved in my real life they can be.
It's all about choices.
Maca's issue is that he won't make the choice. He wants someone and he wants them RIGHT NOW. So he grabs at anything that so much as looks at him twice. THEN he "puts his best foot forward" as he says, which is actually, putting his "single" foot forward, trying to woo them with expensive flowers, romance and one on one attention.
That's great, but he isn't willing to give up what he has at home-and he can't keep this AND be gone more than one night a week. SOOOOOOOOOOOO-when they get "hooked" and want more-he's screwed, because he can't give it.
If he chose to put his "married and willing to share" foot forward, they could see him every damn day of the week-WITH THE REST OF US TOGETHER and still have that one night all to themselves.
"Love As Thou Wilt"