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Old 10-09-2012, 03:02 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,083
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
... he is one of my best friends. We literally tell each other everything.
Good, then you should feel slightly more comfortable saying what you have to say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
However, there is a problem from which I wish to remove myself.
Then you SHOULD remove yourself, and take an objective stance on how you should proceed - your discomfort is your "red flag" (it may be a false "red flag" but it deserves consideration).

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
My secondary has some major issues with cheating/deception.
Red flag here.

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Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
He has always been openly honest with me
...as far as you know...

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Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
He's told me about all women he has slept with while we have been together.
That you believe this ... I get. Whether it is true...can't say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
...I absolutely adore her. I can't conceive continuing a sexual relationship with him if he isn't going to own up to it to her.
What if you absolutely couldn't STAND her? What if she was a complete BITCH? Could you conceive of it then?

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
I want to keep the friendship and the emotional aspect of our relationship (which she knows about) and eliminate the sexual aspect.
This sound like an excellent plan.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
This will keep any of us from getting hurt.
Well, no, actually it won't necessarily keep ANYONE from getting hurt. What it will do is help you reassure yourself that you did YOUR PART to reduce the risk of hurtfulness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
He and I have always discussed that this could happen one day if he did met someone he liked who is mono. However, I'm not certain how he will handle it.
You are not responsible for his response. You are only responsible for your own actions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
I have made peace it will have to happen. I won't be involved in deceiving her and ruining their relationship.
Kudos to you. You won't be involved in the deception and whether they ruin their relationship or not is up to them (I kinda think they will if she is mono and naive and he is poly-ish and deceptive - but I am a cynic that way...

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
Also, on a side note. I know he is incapable for monogomy for any length of time (he has said as much), so part of me wants to continue because he will probably be sleeping with others in a few months when he gets bored.
I get this. He is going to fail, he will be back, why bother putting yourself on hiatus for the inevitable? Because it is the right thing to do? Because you will feel better about yourself? Because one of these times he may ACTUALLY realize that he is fucking this up and he should have no one to look at but himself when he is searching for someone to blame?

Quote:
Originally Posted by texaschick View Post
Should I follow my conscience and do the right thing?
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Yes - regardless of how this turns out you will always have to look back on this and wonder if you did the right thing - so do it, so you have no questions as to your part in the outcome.

I really like SkylerSquirrel's response:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SkylerSquirrel View Post
I will not be your lover while you are hiding me from another of your lovers.

You say he's your best friend and you tell each other everything. If this is true, he should be able to tolerate you setting this boundary without it ruining the friendship and emotional connection you say you would like to keep.

Having this as an absolute boundary will also help prevent you from getting into situations like this in the future.
Sorry if my reply sounds harsh. I've made my share of mistakes. There are several times in my life when I would have benefited from a good old smack upside the head (metaphorically). It is possible for people to rationalize around the facts to get to the answer that they want - god knows that I have. It comes down to - "What choice can I make NOW that I will proud to have made LATER?"

Jane("Thank-goddess-for-second-chances")Q
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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