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Old 10-09-2012, 12:55 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

You're not crazy!

Originally Posted by nurseypoo1 View Post
One of our "boundaries" was no emotions. At least for now.
At least you are aware of what your issues are. But loveless non-monogamy isn't really polyamory, which is about cultivating multiple loving relationships. When it's just about the physical side, it's more like swinging -- recreational sex without emotions involved. Many poly people just aren't into that, or they participate in swinging but also have loving poly relationships and balance the two.

If your husband is not looking for love, and just wants some sex with this friend of yours, then I am wondering why you feel like you're in a mono-poly situation. He doesn't seem to want to be polyamorous if he isn't seeking love. Perhaps he is the type who can keep love and sex separate - lots of people can do that, though many polyfolk will say it's impossible! You could start investigating swinging and talk to people in the swinger community.

Or you could start to examine and push the envelope a bit around your resistance to your husband loving another, in case his position changes and it turns out he wants to embrace polyamory. If I were you, I would ask myself why I think it is okay for my partner to let his body be used but not have as much love in his life as he can find. I would ask myself why he only deserves to share a part of himself with others and why I have to have more than anyone else can have. I would ask what I am most afraid of and why. Things like that. Deconstruct your thought process and get to know what makes you tick. I'd also make sure he isn't just saying he doesn't want love only because he knows you'd be uncomfortable with that. Not that he's lying, but he might not want to even let himself think of pursuing anything that he perceives would hurt you.

Also, you said that you and your husband have communicated extensively about this, and his FWB is a good friend of both of you. Have you communicated extensively with her about this change in your dynamic as well? It would probably help a lot of you and she keep developing and strengthening your bond as friends and support each other as his partners (or as metamours, if he does choose polyamory).

I know you said you prefer conversing over books, but Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good read, and she has worksheets on her site here:
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 10-09-2012 at 01:07 AM.
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