Originally Posted by polypenguin
I'm not here asking what i "should" do, I'm here asking how do i find zen with not getting what i need?
Re-reading your first post I see that we are mainly addressing the question that you said you weren't asking (i.e. what you "should"do)
The zen answer to your question would be: "stop needing what you don't have"
Let go of your attachment to outcome, accept that the only life that you could be living AT THIS MOMENT is the one that you are experiencing and embrace IT for all that it gives you and all you have learned.
It's NOT that, if only, you could have said things differently? (you didn't)
It's NOT that, if only, she could be a different person? (she isn't)
It's NOT that, if only, you weren't drawn to poly? (you are)
We spend a lot of time examining our past - for decisions and actions that led us to where we are now. These experiences are part of what make up who we are. So you sit and embrace all of that as a part of who you are now - it is past and cannot be changed - but don't go following "if onlys" to some idealized "today" that never happened.
You then get to choose YOUR path from THIS moment. You probably can't control your feelings, you may not be able to control your thoughts, but you sure as hell CAN control your speech and actions.
So, maybe instead of choosing to sit and read here about people who have this thing that you feel that you need (poly), you choose instead to figure out what it is that you "need" about poly and pursue that via other means.
Is it that you have a loneliness inside of you that is too much for one partner to fill? Develop your relationship with yourself to fill that void. Learn new skills, read new ideas, have interesting conversations with yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Be happy with yourself. Be the best YOU, you can be.
You don't "need" other people to complete you if you are complete unto yourself. You may "want" to share your life with others but you have everything you need to be happy within yourself.
ETA - PS: I'm describing an idea of an ideal here - my Journey is very much a work in progress. Zen masters may be able to subsist on bread and water as they meditate for days on end but I still "need" coffee in the morning...