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Old 10-08-2012, 01:23 AM
PipersGirl PipersGirl is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 33

Hi all,

Thanks for the responses.

Combining posts:

with poly relationships everyone should look at their relationship as just them as the partner and do they get the emotional , sexual and loving needs out of that relationship, it is hard not to compare but you should never compare how d is with you and how different it is with her.
I strive not to compare and I usually succeed. However, there is no way for me not to notice how much more time she normally gets - I made my peace with that a long time ago. Luckily, I don't need, nor want, constant contact with a lover.

another issue on time, the problem with having more than one partner is sharing them equal, can you have one weekend each and share the other weekend as a foursome? have two days on week each maybe but set days every week or set weekends so noone feels left out and hopefully everyone will be happy.
We have discussed that, but neither Ka nor myself want to only see him once a month one on one. And he doesn't want that either. We actually tried it when all three relationships were completely separate and it didn't work then, so it wouldn't work now.

Do you ever feel like you're tip-toeing around her, altering your behaviour in order to appease her? If so, stop. You say that you've only gotten more time than her a few times in years... So be more assertive, and get more time with him. Then let her keep score, let her complain that you spend more time with D than she does. And then say to her: "So what? Deal with it. You're not #1, and you are not entitled to special treatment. Get over it, or find someone who wants a #1." The only reason she continues these outbursts is because they're working for her. The only way to make them stop is to quit allowing them to work for her. Even that doesn't guarantee they'll stop, but you can be sure they won't stop as long as they're creating the outcome she desires.
I don't alter my behavior for her or tiptoe around her. I am honest and true to myself. I wouldn't say her outbursts have "worked" - there have been times when D wouldn't see her for weeks and/or limited the amount of time they spent together. I will agree that there haven't been any long-term consequences to those outbursts. The problem is she has been told she's not number one and never will be. That knowledge doesn't effect her desire to "keep score".

I agree with previous posts that it's D who's dropping the ball here. After a certain point, the "he's new to this" argument stops holding water. You've told him explicitly what you want him to do: Stop sharing details about your relationship with Ka. There's nothing about being new to poly that makes that unclear or especially difficult. There is something about being a passive person that makes that difficult, and if that's how he is, then it's not likely to change. Don't make excuses for him.
D has dropped the ball, admitted that and made positive changes. And to be fair, I have only told D not to share "details"; I've never told him not to tell her if we had sex or how many times.

Unfortunately, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like the situation is likely to change. You're doing everything you can to cope, and it's not enough to make you feel comfortable. You might need to consider that Ka's baggage is "the price of admission" for being with D, and then decide whether your relationship with D is worth that price.
I've thought about that a lot. Most of the time, I feel happy, content and comfortable in this relationship. Then wham! I get hit by the SAME issue that we've dealt with 111 times. That's frustrating. Being with D is worth it.

Ka is not asking whether they engage in particular acts, she knows they do. When and how often is absolutely none of her business. It only feeds her insecurity, and has absolutely no effect on her safety.
I 100% agree with this. It's none of my business when and how often they have sex or engage in certain activities. If I'm dissatisfied with some aspect of my relationship with D, I address with him and I don't bring up what he does with Ka (or Ki for that matter).

And for this I'd wonder if it compounds the problem coloring it as a get with it or get out angle for anyone. He is THE male source for all - FIN? No room for compromise on this? Or no want or interest presently but its negotionable?
There is some room for compromise. Speaking for myself, I have no want nor interest at this time.

It could matter if the trapeze was Ka's favorite and now she gets none of that anymore while YOU do. I have no idea if that is what up but I could see how it might hurt if that was going on and she might ask about it trying to figure out why she isn't getting to enjoy it too. If it is just down to her wanting to know all intimacy acts - how often - just so she can tally it up and match it then I can totally see why it would be a big headache to deal with.
I can see this... sorta. But, like I said above, if I wasn't getting trapeze, I'd bring it up to D as to why we haven't done it, not ask if he's been doing with Ka and how often and then get made about the answer. What does that accomplish?

For the record, that isn't the case. It's not that I'm getting something that she wants and doesn't get - it's about the tally.

Thanks for clarifying - its exactly what I was wondering. It does make me wonder though - you're all pretty intimate even with each other and not just with D. I wouldn't even begin to know how to have privacy without making someone I AM intimate with feel like a need, especially a new need for privacy isn't a rejection and personal. You can know this and this and every inch of my body but not how often I have sex? I'm not saying its wrong to try, I just don't get how it could be done without those moments of privacy feeling exclusionary and intentional. Maybe she can't either? It is a very interesting situation to me.
I've never told her when or how often D and I have sex. She has always gotten that information from him. I can see how it could be interpreted as a rejection; though given her trust issues, she would most likely take it as we were hiding something. And I think that is her biggest fear: that we're keeping "secrets" and in the end, she is going to lose D. Though, I do believe that D and I should have and need some "exclusionary and intentional" moments of privacy. Those feed ourrelationship.

Hes not living up to something with her and she is freaking out due to it? There something going on with them, some agreement or standard that he is telling her is okay but not cluing you into? Something seems amiss for sure.
I don't think this is the case. If she doesn't get her "regular" time with D, she becomes clingy and needy; she has admitted this. Of course, D HATES clingy and needy and gets frustrated because if he doesn't spend time with her (or any of us), it's because he truly can't. And if I get my "regular" time, it compounds the issue and means that he loves me more.

Perhaps D isn't being realistic in how much gas his tank can hold as the only male lover in the mix and she is feeling the pinch of it?
She doesn't feel the pinch any more than me. And we're all pretty realistic about the gas tank and know that choosing to stay in this relationship means that we won't get sex as often as preferred. I stay because there's more here than just sex. Hell, there would lots easier ways to get sex all the time!

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