Thread: finding zen
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:05 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,832

GG -

If I recall the story from a few months ago...I think the deal was that the girlfriend was not comfortable with polypenguin seeing other people. So the deal was that the relationship was going to open on HER side only for a while and then, a few months later there was a set date for HIS side to open. When the time came she asked for an extension because she was working on her stuff (therapy etc.) So now he is feeling like she may never get to a place where it is ok for his side to I'm guessing he is feeling a little "strung along" at this point (not to put words in his mouth).

He doesn't want to leave her but he doesn't know if he should keep his hopes up that he can have the kind of relationship that he wants/needs.

Sounds to me that it might be time for a "come to Jesus" meeting with girlfriend - after 8-12 months of "I think maybe I can come to terms with this if you give me more time, but I'm not sure." - it seems like it is time to "fish or cut bait" ("shit or get off the pot"). Ask her where she is right now as compared to last month, six months ago, is she still getting closer or just going in circles?

If her answer is "I want to be able to do this but I'm not sure I ever will" - then close ranks, take poly off the table, explore your relationship with each other and see if you can be happy. In 5 or 10 years, when you are both in a different place, it may be time to try again.

If YOUR answer is that you are ONLY going to be happy in this relationship if the poly WILL eventually happen...then the answer might be that you break up gently and ask her to look you up again if she is ever in a place where that can happen.

It might be better for your peace of mind to get a "NO", so you can get on with dealing with that rather than a "Maybe...Maybe..Maybe" - but she might not be able to give you that "No" for fear of losing you. So you look at what progress has been made...she may be saying "maybe" but her actions may be saying a "No" that you don't want to hear.

Tough spot Penguin - I wish you the best.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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