View Single Post
Old 10-07-2012, 09:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,277

Originally Posted by Schrodingerscat
I see what you're getting at now, thank you for the clarification.
You are welcome -- happy to clarify.

Originally Posted by Vixtoria
So even if she has been expressing how unhappy she is, we don't know how she's been expressing it. Let's be honest, until you learn communication skills, what seems 'so obvious' to you, is not to others.
Originally Posted by Vixtoria
I don't, however, think that after four days him not jumping on that bandwagon means he isn't acting with intent
Yup. I agree. That's why my commenting position right now is at

a) She deserves to have reasonable wants and needs met in relationship. She has told him he is not meeting wants/needs. I don't know how graceful the delivery was but my impression is that the volume seemed loud enough to penetrate this time.

b) He's got the ball. I hope he doesn't act rash -- all REACT-y. It's ok to feel "aaaah!" initially and it's only been this week that he's learned the seriousness volume. I don't know if his initial "Aaaah!" reaction is from being emotionally flooded. If so, I hope she understands that emotional flooding can happen, and while she wants things to move toward resolution, you can't do good conflict resolution with a flooding person. They are too "aaaaaah!" to work with well. He needs time to digest.

I'm hoping he asks for a time out to get himself together and that he will choose to work on this. (That's the initial REACT but ultimately ACT WITH INTENT. Some things are startling news, and the person receiving info needs time to digest.)

I hope he come to agreement with her on the fair/acceptable length of a time out she is willing to give for him to collect himself before moving it forward to negotiation/find compromise talks.

I hope that if she offered a counseling option she's willing to actually give it her best if he picks that option. (Not offering something she herself does not intend to honor well. That's giving a false choice.)

Originally Posted by Vixtoria
So I just don't feel comfortable painting this other couple in the light of: She's done all she could and been open and honest and he just doesn't get it and it's too late now! Oh well move on!
I'm not saying "oh, well move on!"

I am saying "She made her move. Ball is in his court now to make his next move. Let's see what he picks next. They are in a Time of Discernment for themselves. "

Originally Posted by Vixtoria
I don't think either is in the wholly in the wrong or right. I think it's ineffective communication and if both want to work on the marriage, keep that relationship, it's something they will have to work on.
I agree. Ultimately it's on the metamour wife and the other husband to decide if they are still in it together or not and after they make the decision, take the appropriate next steps.

I am not judging "in the wrong" or "in the right" -- just commenting on where I think the ball moved to next. It's been moving all over since the OP first posted that he was struggling with being made an accessory before the fact. The ball's not on him any more -- but still. There are still people facing struggle as they grapple with the ball of "What NOW?! What behavior do I pick next?"

I certainly hope they get it together and resolve the problems to satisfactory conclusion for themselves -- either breaking apart in a healthy way or remaining together but changing to a healthy polyship shape. But resolved, so both can move to a happier place and find peace.

This is all so sad.

It's Hang Time at the Forge for them -- and how they come out of the experience is up to them. Nobody else. Will it be for the better? Or not? Time will tell.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-08-2012 at 12:57 AM.
Reply With Quote