birds of a feather, flocking, etc.
I'm Chicken, I'm about 25, I've been in a relationship with a guy I'll call Salt for three years, we had been friends since we were in high school and I knew he'd always been interested in me, even though I was adamant about women up until I broke up with my last girlfriend. After that it probably went too fast, I moved in with him mostly because I didn't have anywhere to go and he's helped me in a lot of ways, like getting on my own two feet which I had trouble with from the start. I feel really secure with him but the way I love him feels desperate. Over the summer we went from a closed relationship to an open one when he cheated on me with a guy we'll call MiniTruck or MT. There were tears and all that but we just moved in to a new place on a one year lease and neither of us really want to break up, but he's basically told him I don't do for him sexually or emotionally what MT does. Salt is extremely kinky and I'm vanilla as ice so I knew that already, but the emotional stuff is recent and harder to get in to.
Since I agreed to this though MT has been hanging around our house way too much. I see this guy when I get home from school or work and I immediately want to knock his teeth in. He's smug and stupid and I have no idea what Salt gets out of a relationship with a rock that can't even collect algae in the quick stream of bullshit that rushes over him constantly.
This is not even my poly dilemma and probably useless information, but I'm trying to be honest because I expect to get a certain answer that I don't want to hear. Whether I want to or not, I probably need to. I haven't been single since I was twenty, and that's two relationships in five years, which was one too many for me because I am dying to settle down with someone(s?) who's as dedicated to certain things as I am.
Which is where Pigeon and Finch really get me. They are together, I knew them both briefly before they were, but they've been together about as long as Salt and me. Pigeon's about my age and Finch's a little younger than us but not significantly.
I have a lot in common with Pigeon. We grew up in the same area in California, with similar backgrounds, in to our mid twenties, but mostly our goals are eerily identical. We both want to roost in the same loft, and we're just a few years out from having the means and money to do so. This is big for me, because Salt has always poo-pooed my ideas about the future, and finding someone like Pigeon who not only wants the same but has told me he wants me to be a part of it has me bursting with excitement. We talk in depth about this shared interest like it could really happen, and it's not just a pipe dream.
Finch is more flighty, but still down to earth. I don't think her goals align exactly with Pigeon's but they make a lot of compromise with eachother. I know no one has a perfect relationship, but they seem pretty close. She's kind of behind us in terms of her future timeline, but we have five-plus years on her too. I think she has a pretty great head on her shoulders though. She's smart, proactive, and compassionate. Last weekend I spent some time with just her, which isn't uncommon because we go to college together and have similar schedules, but we biked over to the beach and hung out almost til night time when Pigeon came with some wine and it was just a really interesting night involving fire and too much touching for people who are just friends. It wasn't sexual just intimate. And it's not the first time I've felt like that. I spend so much time in their house we're up all night sometimes squeezed on their tiny couch just talking and drinking.
This Friday I drank too much and spent the night. Usually I sleep on the floor of the living room but we all crashed on the bed on Pigeon's suggestion. I don't know what that means. In the morning Pigeon had to leave early for work but he took a picture of Finch and me passed out spooned together with their dog on top of us. When he got back and showed us and made some joke about Finch getting drunk and sleeping with another man, I didn't know how to take that. On one hand it seemed like an underhanded comment about him being hurt but on the other they both honestly laughed about it.
Maybe this is all useless information, sorry about that.
But I've spent so many Sunday mornings wondering what it'd be like if it was just the three of us. At first the idea weirded me out. Or not the idea, but that I was thinking it, because I've always had a negative view on poly relationships in terms of what they would mean to me. It's a pain to walk home in the mornings I spend there and come back to Salt, not because he's unbearable though, but because I'm still thinking about them.
I have no idea how to broach this subject with anyone.
I'm scared about losing my friends if I ever talked about it, but I'm always crossing my fingers behind my back hoping somehow they'll bring it up first.
I'd never want to damage their relationship and I worry a lot that they're just not telling me to fuck off because they're too nice.
I'm mostly stuck here.