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Old 10-06-2012, 07:16 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,522

People come to poly via various routes - cheating, swinging, idealism. I don't have any particular advice for someone who has "bought into" the monogamous "ideal" and later discovered that it was not for them. My own marriage, now 16 years strong, was NOT based on monogamy but on the idea that we had the intention of spending the rest of our lives pursuing a satisfying life together and pursuing our mutual goals - that being said, I have no idea why most people get married (I would not want to be a member of most marriages that see). (More details in my "Journey" blog as to how we happened to get married).

From my standpoint, a marriage where two (or more) people cannot be honest with each other about their needs/wants/desires/goals/thoughts/feelings etc. and receive validation is not a satisfactory situation and should be addressed. Having children together is certainly a complicating factor (a factor that I would have liked to incorporate but, unfortunately, was not in the cards) - but not insurmountable. It is possible to be awesome co-parents WITHOUT being life-partners (I have seen this happen).

If you take the "hellfire" out of it (something that I can't speak to - I'm agnostic)...WHAT IF this is the only chance you get?, WHAT IF the span of your life on this earth is the sum total of your existence?, Is THIS how you wanted to have spent your only chance? I am not saying ("God forbid") to ignore your responsibilities or to break your promises - but would you rather be honest or spend your "one chance" living a lie...for years, and years, and years? I'd pick an honest separation/break-up over lies and deceit any day of the year....

Yes, "society"/the world at large has certain expectations - do these over-ride the needs of the individuals involved? My answer is no...but YMMV.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
SLeW: platonic girlfriend + BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-06-2012 at 07:20 PM.
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