Thread: we messed up
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Old 10-06-2012, 03:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,132

Thanks for elaborating!

Yes, I can see where setting hard limits on him is not kind in his mourning time.

But what about setting some hard limits for YOURSELF that you can follow now?

It is fine to be a friend while he grieves and hang out and try to have some corner of his life be "normal" while all this "not normal" is going on. Sharing dinner. Watching TV. Play Scrabble -- whatever is appropriate in the land of friendship to a grieving person.

But I'd be leery of mixed messages -- a friendly hug to a grieving person, sure. But sleeping in my bed? Even if there is no sex... Can't my grieving ex bf sleep on the couch? Isn't that generous enough of me?

If we go out to eat or to a movie -- split the bill halfsies? Not share the same drink? No kissing? ( I do not know your habits as a dating couple so I'm guessing.)

Gently creating the emotional space between "friend" and "girlfriend" would matter to me. Not that I lack compassion -- but I would need to start making my own little emotional space if THIS is my goal:

I don't want always was. I want, like you say, new start. When I define this he says he cannot think of new right now. He wants old and familiar.
I don't have to announce big changes -- I could say "Look, this is terrible timing. I know we were breaking up, and now this. So let's just put a time out on that conversation. We can revisit it in ______ mos. "

But a death is a death. And it's a good a time as any for me to go "No... let's not. I don't feel comfortable with that right now. There's been a death and we're in time out."

Be it sharing the same bed or whatever. I am not asking my grieving ex-bf to change anything -- but I can create and have some limits for myself. Because I control my behavior.

Does that make sense?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-06-2012 at 03:20 PM.
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