To Polyq4....Here is how i see it ...this may take a while . S.cat said that they would like to pursue a sexual, non romantic relationship.She also said that things began before they discussed it with her and that it "got off to a bad start ".She was also says that it was "still a concern"that her friend was not capable of being fully open and honest.She had reservations, not about sharing but attachment. Obviously she is worried where this will all lead. Phy said... some are able to separate sex and feelings, but she could not .She said never assume some kind of guarantee and that she wouldn't feel ok with it personally. Nycindie added..that she wouldn't worry and she says she is independent solo poly.( that sounds like single ?) S.cat then added "she could develop feelings for him " which would ruin our friendship. After the fisting workshop it was weird for her and her friend afterwards..She later says her husband is not in it for love , just sexual variety(how he sees himself).He has no desire for anything but fucking.She also states many things that are of concern,"sounds warning bells ",doesn't feel like she "can trust her ", this "could damage my trust in him ", she doesn't believe that they're "above those risks " . Then there is "seen far too many horror stories ", "dont want to get caught in any kind of turmoil "and can imagine it bringing up some difficult emotions ". Nycinde then said.. that she thought it was "not a good idea for any of you ".Km34 adds "could cause lasting change in the dynamic between all three of you " and that she'd "rather miss out ...than deal with the potential loss of a good friendship ". S.cat returned with "just normal jealousy that i can deal with ...but i dont think it is ". "Never had such a..reaction " about her physical symptoms . She tells us that they "both refused to admit that it was at least a remote possibility "that feelings could develop. Later on she said that she would never walk out on her friends ( in need ) . Here i would like to add a question ...How can you truly help a friend in need when you are involved in the problem ? What i mean is .. if they went ahead with this no feelings arrangement and the friend develops feelings , then gets hurt when the husband doesn't return those feelings , how can you be both her friend giving her support, and the wife of the man who is hurting her at the same time ????? Isn't there a conflict of interest here ? Its hard to "support her broken heart "when shes had it broken by you own husband . Dinged heart.. explains that sex is sex , love is love and that a poly is more realistic about the possibility of more ! To clear up some issues , S.cat tells us that her husband is not poly, that she is, and i understand her girlfriend is not poly. She says that they make a big deal out of "distinguishing between polyamory and just fucking around ". Her husband just wants" casual sex now and then" . " Annabel says ..polyamory is having relationships that are loving , usually sexual and often "committed "! Its "all about letting our partners develop "emotional and physical relationships with other people "! ???????????? SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why is it that S.cat who says she is poly is concerned about her husband and girlfriend developing an emotional relationship ?????????It could be her girlfriend that she may fear losing , not her husband , it doesn't matter which .I wouldn't lend my girlfriend to my husband if i though it could ruin our friendship , even if i was poly . It is plain to see that she did not feel that creating problems between the three of them was worth the risk ...Good idea. Protect the relationships that you value!!" Don't put all your eggs in the one basket "', you could lose them all if something goes wrong !! You dont have to be of a certain sexual orientation ,or living a particular lifestyle to understand this. I could have made lots more comments myself up to here, but its late and im tired. Im simply pointing out to you the key points that stand out to me throughout this thread. Now .....To Polyq4, yes i am mono, straight , aged 44, married 20 years , been together longer than that , 2 kids . I don't own anyone , and no one owns me ! You say that poly is not about sex , its about love , and that if you're poly , you can only be responsible for yourself ( as in you cant control others ??) If this is poly ....then anyone who calls them self such should have no issue with any connection that develop between other people ( including those they are in a relationship with ) because this is surely part of the LOVE part of a poly relationship...its not about sex you said. Also , if you don't own the other person, how is it that your partner needs your ok to have a relationship with anyone, including your best friend??Of course he is asking to make sure that you are ok with it, and that you are involved with the planning of it . But if you are truly poly, then you should think "go with my blessings ", "i trust you " and "i know that its just sex for you, that's fine with me"( the sex only part ), and " if she develops a connection with you that's fine with me too " ( that would be the love , connection part of poly) .I think Annabel explained this well ..."its about letting our partners develop emotional and physical relationships with other people " . I cant see how S.cat could have an issue here, not when it comes to poly thinking .And that's looking at it as two separate issues , as the wife , then as the friend . However she had concerns all the way about them forming an attachment that could ruin the happy relationships they had before.She new that mixing those relationships up could hurt everyone.This seems to be an exception to the poly way of thinking .I see it as an example of a situation where gut instinct and common sense far outways any poly beliefs .I am very pleased to hear that all is well in the end...Its all fun and games til it ends in tears ..take caution ..( not intended as an insult here ) What we think is harmless could prove to be a nightmare , regardless of everyones best intentions .