It does sound like you were ready to throw in the towel, and then H goes and gets herself killed, making you look like the bad guy for leaving when he needs you most.
yes, that's it. Sorry if that was a little confusing. That being said, I relate to a lot of your points. Sometimes I do feel selfish, here in my issues when G has so many other problems. I don't think that grief is the main issue- even if that sounds callous- but guilt is a very big issue. He knew H had this problem, but like me, not how seriously her health was affected. I believe he thinks he should have done more to help her to help herself. Alcoholics can be very secretive about their problem, basically no-one knew and everybody is shocked. I think in the first shock when his children were guilting me, he found it easier to pass me the guilt than to face his own. Maybe that was ethically wrong, but hey, it's understandable.
Another aspect of this is that I myself am widowed. Five years ago my ex husband died in a car crash, some years after we separated, about the time I met G and H. Many people at the time thought it was suicide. Nobody thought me in any way guilty, except, ironically, H, who believed my ex had deliberately caused the accident, knowing that I was now moving on with G and H. I found that very difficult to stomach. G was [B]very[B] supportive which angered H, which probably drove us together. Our friendship took another level, one where she was left behind.
Gawd this sounds so melodramatic!
The point is, I really am sympathetic to G. It's a strange grief to suddenly loose a person who was once a lover, more recently a fond companion, with whom one has many years of shared memories. It's a mild grief of loosing a 'once-loved-one'. The suddeness is shocking, the messiness is shocking, and it is shocking how the family system has to readjust. So I am deeply sympathetic to G and his children.
But... that accident (or suicide?) happened when our relationship was new and exciting and H's death has happened when we are battle-scarred over U's
presence in our/G's life and all our other issues.
To Galagirl, yes! How right you are. He IS choosing his behaviour, even if it is not the change I would hope for. Thank you for pointing that out to me. It will certainly help me in my ruminations. Deadlines? I haven't set any. I can see they could be important before we all just rumble along in daily life. I hesitate however to apply more pressure right now. H died around five weeks ago. We were in the process of splitting up when this happened. Now he visits, we talk, we eat, we sleep (just sleep) in the same bed. I build him up til he is ready to face the world again. It's a sort of limbo. Maybe I am selfish but my needs are not in this arrangement. You seem to be suggesting I take a hard line. You can see that I am hesitant. Can you perhaps understand why? Several tiimes I have been doing other things and have refused to let him visit. He takes that simply, then we do meet and it's just like it always was. I don't want always was. I want, like you say, new start. When I define this he says he cannot think of new right now. He wants old and familiar.
It is doing me the power of good to write this and hear your replies. Most friends shake their heads and put the troubles down to polyamory. I appreciate that strangers are willing to unravel a complicated story and offer advice.
For the record, I do not want G completely out of my life. Long term I do not want to cohabitate as I feel (not just recently) burdened by the role of 'major carer'. He is and was a man troubled with many problems. He is also a man with great heart, great intelligence and, when not depressed, a good companion. Yeah, I can take the rough and the smooth, but I definately prefer a little more smooth!
Love to all