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Old 10-06-2012, 03:31 AM
abejita abejita is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 7

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
My current concern as a secondary: emotions.

My feeling is that relationships typically end or move forward, including growing and deeper emotions and attachments.

In the past, BF has run into problems in his secondary relationships when his girlfriends fall in love and suddenly start to have trouble with the fact that he's married. I said I fear this becoming an issue with us, too, if I let my emotions grow.

He got agitated, ironically while telling me we can control our emotions, that we can have emotional boundaries as well as physical.

I find this unrealistic, to expect to continue a relationship into forever, as he very much wants us to do, and think that we can decide exactly what and how much we'll feel. (How often do people talk on here about being told they can have sex, but not fall in love?)

I find it sad to contemplate a relationship in which two people spend a great deal of time together and are physically involved, but in which emotions are not meant to go past a certain point. It feels a little bit cold to me.

I agree with him, however, that we have some control over our feelings, and since that conversation, I feel myself pulling back emotionally. I'm not quite as eager to spend time with someone who thinks that I can spend a ton of time with him, be physical with him, and yet, not feel too much for him. That's not who I am.

I confess I'm a little irritated at his insinuation that someone might be 'out of control' if they actually feel too much or fall in love with someone with whom they have emotional and physical intimacy, and with whom they spend a great deal of time. To me, it is natural and good to have growing feelings in that situation.

I'm left feeling he wants to have his cake and eat it, too: have his wife, and have his girlfriend and have it all go on just like this forever without me going and screwing things up with those messy human emotions.

Is this what others expect from secondary relationships, to have growing intimacy, emotionally and physically, without growing emotions?
i understand what you mean completely. this is why i can't be in relationships that use a hierarchy system. putting a relationship or feelings in a box is not something healthy for me. it makes me feel controlled and resentful. i hope things get better for you - be sure to communicate this. and know it's okay to have your feelings grow as you begin to connect more and more.
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