View Single Post
Old 10-05-2012, 11:11 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
I don’t believe it is ok for me to decide what information is important to someone else. HOWEVER, I do get to decide what information I’m comfortable sharing. Why does another’s need to know trump my need for privacy?
It is a conundrum and has me wondering the same. I'm in no way admonishing. Just that when it isn't something we need some times it is easy to consider it something no one SHOULD need. But needs vary from what I can tell.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
I have conflicting feelings about this. If we’re talking about safer sex practices, I fully agree that every partner has a right to know. And I want to know who my lover is having sex with and would expect that his other partners feel the same. And all of us know who D is having sex with: the three of us and no one else as we are a closed group.
And for this I'd wonder if it compounds the problem coloring it as a get with it or get out angle for anyone. He is THE male source for all - FIN? No room for compromise on this? Or no want or interest presently but its negotionable?

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
If there is a particular act that someone isn’t comfortable with, they have every right to say so and to not engage in that act. I even agree that they can ask their partner if they engage in that act with others and then choose not to be with that partner; they don’t have a right to insist that their partner not engage in said act with another willing partner. And if they ask and are told, yes, I do engage in that act with my other partner/s, they have their answer and it is really none of their business how often said act occurs.
I have met a person who is completely squeamish about anything related to bdsm and wouldn't want to be with anyone who engages in it even with others.
As well there is another thread on here about kink waxing and waning with one partner who misses it while they know their partner participates in it with others. I just didn't know if that was an influencing part of this situation you're dealing with.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
Maybe I’m missing something… Ka **knows** D and I have sex on a regular basis. What possible difference does it make if over any given time period, we have sex once, 10 times or not at all? Or if we have lights off missionary sex in the bed or swinging from a trapeze 20 feet in the air outside?
It could matter if the trapeze was Ka's favorite and now she gets none of that anymore while YOU do. I have no idea if that is what up but I could see how it might hurt if that was going on and she might ask about it trying to figure out why she isn't getting to enjoy it too. If it is just down to her wanting to know all intimacy acts - how often - just so she can tally it up and match it then I can totally see why it would be a big headache to deal with.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
Whether or not I’m made aware of any disruption, I feel it. Problems between D and Ka spill over into my relationship even if he doesn’t say anything. And it boils down to this: she is asking about the frequency of our sexual encounters to keep score; not because she is uncomfortable with us doing certain things, but because she wants to ensure that I don’t get more or “better” than she does. I KNOW this because she said, out of her own mouth, “I get bent when I think you’re having more sex than me.” If she was asking because it turned her on or out of genuine curiousity, I would more easily give up some privacy.
Thanks for clarifying - its exactly what I was wondering. It does make me wonder though - you're all pretty intimate even with each other and not just with D. I wouldn't even begin to know how to have privacy without making someone I AM intimate with feel like a need, especially a new need for privacy isn't a rejection and personal. You can know this and this and every inch of my body but not how often I have sex? I'm not saying its wrong to try, I just don't get how it could be done without those moments of privacy feeling exclusionary and intentional. Maybe she can't either? It is a very interesting situation to me.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
But, when she asks, doesn’t like the answer, gets pissy about it and then the fallout hits me, my instinct is to pull back, close up and say it’s none of your business! What D and I do when alone is between us. And I do believe that D and I should have things that are just between us; this applies to his other relationships as well. Ka wants to know EVERYTHING because she needs assurance that she is “special” and she seeks that by a) spending more time with him and b) getting more sex. She want to be most important, number one, QBIC and that irritates the hell out of me as we’ve ALL discussed and agreed that the relationship is not structured that way.
I'm starting to wonder if its not all down to some fumbling on D's part. Hes not living up to something with her and she is freaking out due to it? There something going on with them, some agreement or standard that he is telling her is okay but not cluing you into? Something seems amiss for sure.

[QUOTE=PipersGirl;158294]Yes, Ka and myself have regular scheduled one on one date nights with D; Ki doesn’t – they occasionally have one on one nights. And Ka, Ki and myself are not lovers to each other. We are not sexually or romantically involved with each other. We are all straight and only have sex with D. The three of us are close, love each other and are affectionate with each other, but we’re not in love with each other. I’ll going a little more in depth about our dynamics below and this is important to know.

I agree. She does know what happens with Ki because she’s there. I honestly believe that Ka wants to know and, to an extent, control everything about D’s sex life. She would gladly be there every time he has sex and still want one on one sex too.

Her jealousy of me has waned, but it’s still there BECAUSE she isn’t there for my one on one relationship with D. She still views me as “competition”. To be honest, there is some truth to that. Love may not be limited, but time is limited and so is attention and energy to include sexual energy. Any time spent with me is time not spent with her; any sex with me takes away potential sexual energy from her. And the same is true for me. Plus, Ka and I are very similar in our sexual tastes and appetites, while Ki is more vanilla and less libidinous. [QUOTE]

Perhaps D isn't being realistic in how much gas his tank can hold as the only male lover in the mix and she is feeling the pinch of it?

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
On to the more in depth (romantic/sexual) dynamics:

D-myself: regular scheduled one on one date nights
D-Ka: regular scheduled one on one date nights
D-Ki: occasional one on one date nights
D-Ki-Ka: regular scheduled date nights (they’ve been in this threesome for almost 2 years)
D-myself-Ka: semi-regular threesomes
D-myself-Ka-Ki: occasional foursomes
D-myself-Ki: haven’t done it and not forcing it
(Of course, there are the friendships between and among myself, Ka and Ki, but I’m only dealing with the sexual aspects of our dynamic.)

So, we are very comfortable with each other and pretty familiar with each other’s sexuality. Maybe that’s why some boundaries are blurred. And to be fair, I’ve never asked Ka not to ask about my private time with D, nor I have asked him not to tell her. Like I said above, my renewed desire for more privacy surrounding my sex life with D, is due more to the fallout from her reaction to his answers, than anything else.

And the only one of these dynamics that Ka has a real issue with is the one between D and myself for all the reasons outlined above. At this point, I’ve accepted that there is a problem and I’ve done what I can to be supportive and understanding, but it’s not my issue to resolve. I’m just trying to effectively deal with and minimize the impact on me, my relationship with D and my relationship with Ka.

Thanks again for the responses. They were great tools in helping me clarify what I’m feeling.

Reply With Quote