Thread: we messed up
View Single Post
Old 10-05-2012, 10:21 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

Originally Posted by finch View Post
Our relationship is not pleasing or satisfying me and I suggest we make it less demanding so we both have more space. He says he won't leave and things will work out somehow. Uhuh, maybe I think. My frustration, sexual and otherwise increases. I am looking for other sexual partners but hesitate in bringing anyone in on this "complicated" situation.

Then H dies.
I'm guessing this is what you interpreted as
Originally Posted by galagirl View Post
Like she broke up and he was all in denial like "I don't wanna break up!" and making a fuss over her moving on. Then wife suddenly died and he is being "no, we can't break up now, I need you!"
Whereas I interpreted it as she was still willing and trying to make it work when H died.

These are the parts I read that led me to believe they are still together:
Originally Posted by finch View Post
This is where we are today. G desperately needs support and I am giving it but the last years have been such a turmoil that I am emotionally and physically drained.

Ideally I would like to enjoy a polyamorous life with G but I feel we both messed up badly.
Originally Posted by finch View Post
I have said this is crucial to me if our relationship is to continue. He is playing the same old begging for sympathy card and I find it on the one hand immature whilst on the other I AM sympathetic.
While I do stand by what I say that this is not the best time to work on relationship problems, my re-reading of the first quote above does complicate matters. It does sound like you were ready to throw in the towel, and then H goes and gets herself killed, making you look like the bad guy for leaving when he needs you most. There's no good advice anyone can give you there, since it comes down to a question of personal morals. I would not fault you for leaving, since you were heading that way already, and it's not like you killed his wife. But I myself probably could not leave at that particular instant, without picking up at least some of the pieces.

I'm certainly no expert in polyamorous mourning... However, it may not be so dissimilar from when a married couple loses a child. It's not uncommon for that to completely destroy a marriage, because both parents become so wrapped up in their grief that they stop dealing with marital issues. Often, they end up blaming each other for the child's death. What I'm getting at, is that whether you support him as a friend or as a girlfriend, probably won't make a lot of difference at this point, since I'm guessing the sexual/romantic aspects of your relationship would have dried up while he grieves, leaving only the friendship aspects anyway.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote