Thread: we messed up
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Old 10-05-2012, 08:39 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by finch View Post
He is playing the same old begging for sympathy card and I find it on the one hand immature whilst on the other I AM sympathetic.
Wow, I feel like I'm coming at this from the opposite side as everyone else. I apologize in advance for being abrasive, but certain things need to be said.

People. His wife just DIED. It's not a "begging for sympathy card." He's a human being going through the stages of grief. Calling it a "sympathy card" is incredibly callous. There's nothing "immature" about grieving the death of your spouse and needing sympathy and support from the people who supposedly love you.

The kids' MOTHER just died. Who the fuck cares whether they're "justified" in blaming you for their mother's alcoholism? Of course they're not: alcoholism is a disease, no one is to blame. But these kids are going through the stages of grief, one of which is anger. They're directing it at you because it's too painful to direct it at their alcoholic mother. But they're in crisis. The last thing they need right now is the woman they blame and hate telling them they're also dealing with their grief wrong.

I'm not saying it's fair to you, finch. I'm saying that there's nothing you can do about it and trying to change that would only make things worse. Be grateful that they seem to have reconsidered their hatred, and don't hold your breathe for an apology. They never asked to be involved with you, and they owe you nothing.

U was no good at poly, you had objections for valid reasons... but she's out of the picture now, so that's all moot. Learn from it for next time, but as far as she's concerned, get over it.

The past is the past. Sure, he made mistakes and could have handled things better. But right now, that's all irrelevant. The pressing issue at hand is that he is now a grieving widower. You're being selfish. This really is not the time to focus on your relationship issues. He's not in any state of mind to think about what he did wrong, which may result in more guilt over her death. That will get you further from where you want to be. Only when he's out of the fog of grief will he be capable of thinking about his relationship with you.

Now that being said, if you're emotionally drained, then you're not going to be any help to anyone. It's the old "Put on your own oxygen mask first, before assisting other passengers" routine. Who do you have in your life that can support you, so that you can support him?
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-05-2012 at 08:43 PM.
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