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Old 10-05-2012, 07:53 PM
BraverySeeker BraverySeeker is offline
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I'm saddened to report that all is not well for the other husband and wife. Their marriage appears to be cratering, less because she recently fell in love with my wife and more because she has, for quite some time, been falling out of love with him. He is conflating the two realities, as would I in his position, but seems increasingly unable respond with much other than anger. But she hasn't given him much to hope for either, as she apparently has voiced her preference that they go their separate ways after nearly 20 years of marriage.

At one point he asked her to stop her affair (I call it an "affair" although it has not yet progressed from the emotional to the physical, but it has been the former for the past couple months now) until they can repair their marriage. She has been very firm that she is not willing to give up her relationship with my wife, although they are willing to keep it in its present holding pattern.

He has not sought help from anyone and has even rebuffed her suggestion that they see a marriage counselor. Even if they did, I'm doubtful he'll be able to a) change to the extent she needs him to, b) be able to accept that she can and does love another, and c) win back her affection. I really don't know him, I admit, but I still don't think he can do all that in short order.

Meanwhile, my wife and I just celebrated the 28th anniversary of our first kiss - when we were HS freshman in the back seat of a friend's car, parked in the school lot during a football game. Amazingly, we are kissing (and then some) more passionately, communicating more easily and regularly and connecting more profoundly than we ever have. And this has been possible largely because she's been able to share with me knowledge of her love for her friend. We've done the work and we're still doing it, and we don't fear losing each other as a consequence.

I really wish the other husband could be experiencing with his spouse what I am with my mine. Instead, he looks likely to lose her. This saddens me.

I don't think my choice to accept rather than prohibit the affair (a power I never had) would have prevented the dissolution of that other marriage. They were on a downward slide long before our wives met over a year ago. He may disagree and blame me nevertheless. I don't know if he does. But right now I'm not in a position to correct him and he's not in a place to hear me out or benefit at all from hearing my perspective. If he were to reach out to me, I wouldn't refuse to talk to him honestly. But presently we're on such radically different planes of understanding love. Yet we are undeniably linked by the love our wives feel for one another. It's ironic and tragic.

Apparently his outlook has changed almost hourly over the past few days, so maybe I shouldn't write him off. But as long as he refuses to accept outside help, I can't imagine him making the right choices for him and them.

Fight or flight: Fight for her and them to stay together or take flight from it all. The not being able to predict what he'll do has produced some scary moments, I'm told. I just hope he doesn't do something rash, something everyone will regret.

Last edited by BraverySeeker; 10-05-2012 at 08:03 PM.
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