Thread: we messed up
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,929

I wish he would! I have said this is crucial to me if our relationship is to continue. He is playing the same old begging for sympathy card and I find it on the one hand immature whilst on the other I AM sympathetic.
He IS choosing is next behavior. Because he does not choose the behavior you wish for best, does not mean he hasn't chosen a behavior.
  • He has chosen to play the begging card.
  • He has chosen to NOT elucidate his children.
  • He has chosen to NOT meet your needs.

I do not believe I am the cause of H's illness and I wrote a kind but clear letter to G's kids telling them this. Took some courage as I didn't want to mess them up further around their mother's death but it worked out fine. They have since apologized to G but not to me. The girls aged 20 and 21 have however since visited me at my home for the first time ever, so that's one sort of apology I suppose.
See? You chose your next behavior and tried something. It helped assuage your own feelings. (Even if the adult kids never did anything in turn.)

But actually? The adult children chose their NEXT behavior in turn -- they apologized to the father and came to visit you. They are still working on the rest -- but this bodes well, and they can be given a bit of a pass since they have to digest all this while grieving their mother. Perhaps a more formal apology will one day come -- in the meanwhile they sound like they are trying to make some kind of ammends for their ugh behaviour toward father and you.

That's a good thing right?

I asked G to clarify this them but he has not done so yet. When the time comes, I will.
You also chose your next behavior toward G and made a request of him. You are waiting to see if he will honor it or not. (Did you give a time limit?)

You also chose to tell the children more when the time comes. (Do you have a time limit or checkpoint in mind?)

I see you are moving things forward -- that is a big plus for you. Moving it forward to get your closet to the Healing Place is always a good thing.

Emotions may pop up unbidden and sometimes they are fun to feel and sometimes they are yucky to feel.

But emotional management is just that -- getting on with appropriate management tasks. You can do this. Hang in there!

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