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Old 10-05-2012, 03:26 PM
PipersGirl PipersGirl is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 33

Hello Vin,

Thanks for another perspective. Iíve been pondering this for a couple of daysÖ

At what point is it okay for us to decide what information should or shouldn't be important to others?
I donít believe it is ok for me to decide what information is important to someone else. HOWEVER, I do get to decide what information Iím comfortable sharing. Why does anotherís need to know trump my need for privacy?

D could have a partner with a wildly different set of priorities. Someone who doesn't want to be involved with someone who engages in particular acts and those acts could be going on with one of his other partners. Do we tell that person its none of their business? That they shouldn't be able to ask for assurance that one of there partners is indeed someone they would have no qualms about being intimate with?
I have conflicting feelings about this. If weíre talking about safer sex practices, I fully agree that every partner has a right to know. And I want to know who my lover is having sex with and would expect that his other partners feel the same. And all of us know who D is having sex with: the three of us and no one else as we are a closed group.

If there is a particular act that someone isnít comfortable with, they have every right to say so and to not engage in that act. I even agree that they can ask their partner if they engage in that act with others and then choose not to be with that partner; they donít have a right to insist that their partner not engage in said act with another willing partner. And if they ask and are told, yes, I do engage in that act with my other partner/s, they have their answer and it is really none of their business how often said act occurs.

Were it me, I wouldn't tell someone what they can or can't ask to know unless its getting right down to the gritty of details (which whether or not you had sex isn't but whether or not you had particular sex acts is).
Maybe Iím missing somethingÖ Ka **knows** D and I have sex on a regular basis. What possible difference does it make if over any given time period, we have sex once, 10 times or not at all? Or if we have lights off missionary sex in the bed or swinging from a trapeze 20 feet in the air outside?

I would just ask that if it causes a disruption in THEIR association that you not be made aware of it. Ka should be able to ask whatever she feels she needs to know but you shouldn't have to manage the fallout when she asks and then objects to the answer.
Whether or not Iím made aware of any disruption, I feel it. Problems between D and Ka spill over into my relationship even if he doesnít say anything. And it boils down to this: she is asking about the frequency of our sexual encounters to keep score; not because she is uncomfortable with us doing certain things, but because she wants to ensure that I donít get more or ďbetterĒ than she does. I KNOW this because she said, out of her own mouth, ďI get bent when I think youíre having more sex than me.Ē If she was asking because it turned her on or out of genuine curiousity, I would more easily give up some privacy.

But, when she asks, doesnít like the answer, gets pissy about it and then the fallout hits me, my instinct is to pull back, close up and say itís none of your business! What D and I do when alone is between us. And I do believe that D and I should have things that are just between us; this applies to his other relationships as well. Ka wants to know EVERYTHING because she needs assurance that she is ďspecialĒ and she seeks that by a) spending more time with him and b) getting more sex. She want to be most important, number one, QBIC and that irritates the hell out of me as weíve ALL discussed and agreed that the relationship is not structured that way.

I also noticed that you get one night to yourself with D and Ka gets one night to herself with D but it seemed unclear if Ki doesn't. At least that is how I read it. Is Ki a lover to Ka and D only?
Yes, Ka and myself have regular scheduled one on one date nights with D; Ki doesnít Ė they occasionally have one on one nights. And Ka, Ki and myself are not lovers to each other. We are not sexually or romantically involved with each other. We are all straight and only have sex with D. The three of us are close, love each other and are affectionate with each other, but weíre not in love with each other. Iíll going a little more in depth about our dynamics below and this is important to know.

That would make this all make much more sense. Ka wouldn't ask about Ki and D because SHE ALREADY KNOWS - SHE WAS THERE. And that may be something she needs to feel comfortable with a lack of exclusivity with D. This wouldn't be your fault but it would add up to a big "ohhhh that's why".
I agree. She does know what happens with Ki because sheís there. I honestly believe that Ka wants to know and, to an extent, control everything about Dís sex life. She would gladly be there every time he has sex and still want one on one sex too.

Her jealousy of me has waned, but itís still there BECAUSE she isnít there for my one on one relationship with D. She still views me as ďcompetitionĒ. To be honest, there is some truth to that. Love may not be limited, but time is limited and so is attention and energy to include sexual energy. Any time spent with me is time not spent with her; any sex with me takes away potential sexual energy from her. And the same is true for me. Plus, Ka and I are very similar in our sexual tastes and appetites, while Ki is more vanilla and less libidinous.

On to the more in depth (romantic/sexual) dynamics:

D-myself: regular scheduled one on one date nights
D-Ka: regular scheduled one on one date nights
D-Ki: occasional one on one date nights
D-Ki-Ka: regular scheduled date nights (theyíve been in this threesome for almost 2 years)
D-myself-Ka: semi-regular threesomes
D-myself-Ka-Ki: occasional foursomes
D-myself-Ki: havenít done it and not forcing it
(Of course, there are the friendships between and among myself, Ka and Ki, but Iím only dealing with the sexual aspects of our dynamic.)

So, we are very comfortable with each other and pretty familiar with each otherís sexuality. Maybe thatís why some boundaries are blurred. And to be fair, Iíve never asked Ka not to ask about my private time with D, nor I have asked him not to tell her. Like I said above, my renewed desire for more privacy surrounding my sex life with D, is due more to the fallout from her reaction to his answers, than anything else.

And the only one of these dynamics that Ka has a real issue with is the one between D and myself for all the reasons outlined above. At this point, Iíve accepted that there is a problem and Iíve done what I can to be supportive and understanding, but itís not my issue to resolve. Iím just trying to effectively deal with and minimize the impact on me, my relationship with D and my relationship with Ka.

Thanks again for the responses. They were great tools in helping me clarify what Iím feeling.

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