Thread: we messed up
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Old 10-05-2012, 07:10 AM
finch finch is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Default did we mess up?

Hello, I'm new here, so please be patient.
When I met G he was in a primary relationship and I was happy to be secondary. I was just out of a long relationship with kids grown up and was enjoying having space. After maybe eighteen months, G's primary gave him the ultimation to move out as she felt rejected by him. G and I found a place to live together. Almost immediately the primary said she regretted her ultimation and for three years he split his time between there and here.
H, the primary, would have preferred him to be monogamous, they tried unsuccesfully to work it out. Somewhere down the line I become the primary. I am not too sure about this as secondary was fine for me.

Three or so years on and G meets a woman in another town and goes NRE in a big way. He tells her about me, and that he will not leave me, but does not tell her about his (now non sexual) attachment to H. I fill her in on that. She believes that G is polyamorous because he has not yet met the right woman. She believes I am polyamorous only to please G. She is only interested in monogamy and is very straight about it. I say I am against the relationship as I
1) realise that she is not going to change her opinion
2) do not believe him capable of the time management of three women in three different towns ie three LDRs
3) think she sees G as a backdoor from another unhappy relationship.

But.. I love G and hold strong to the poly idea. We have some heated discussions and yes, tears. He visits the woman, U, a couple of times for several days. She will not visit him here but visits him at his other home with H. They phone and mail. I see that after U's initial attempts to, I quote, "have him for myself" and after leaving her other relationship, U is cooling off and he is chasing an illusion. I tell him this and he tells me it is his private life and I should keep off, U will soon come round to polyamory if I would make more effort for her to like me. oooof. Big issue here!

More time passes and other issues between G and me build up- time management ( we are refurbishing a house and he is running a business from home), impotence (prostrate enlargement) his depressions and health issues of my own. This in addition to our high load of relationship issues.
It is more than I can manage and I tell G so. Our relationship is not pleasing or satisfying me and I suggest we make it less demanding so we both have more space. I suggest that he intensifys the newish relationship with U and wish him well. He says he won't leave and things will work out somehow. Uhuh, maybe I think. My frustration, sexual and otherwise increases. I am looking for other sexual partners but hesitate in bringing anyone in on this "complicated" situation.
Then H dies. Remember her? They were married thirty years and have three kids together. She dies of alcohol abuse. I am shocked as I hadn't realised she had this problem. His grown up kids see me as the cause of her problem. What? G and I agree that he spends more time with his kids during the hospital stay and run up to the funeral. We do not see each other for about a month, but speak regularly on the phone.
Then U breaks off the relationship. She has found someone else. Although she is invited to the funeral ( I am not because of the family hostility towards me) she refuses and breaks off communication from one day to the next.
This is where we are today. G desperately needs support and I am giving it but the last years have been such a turmoil that I am emotionally and physically drained. I would say everyone in this story is or was emotionally and physically drained.
Ideally I would like to enjoy a polyamorous life with G but I feel we both messed up badly. I saw dangers in G's relationship to U. I don't know if I should have kept them to myself,or maybe I should have been clearer. He got hurt and I saw it coming. By the way I have NOT said "told you so". I feel so sorry for him because she left when he needed her support. I feel sorry for myself as this has been so draining.

Any suggestions?

sorry for the saga folks and thank you for your time.

Last edited by finch; 10-05-2012 at 07:43 AM.
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