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Old 10-05-2012, 02:58 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 390

Back on land! Driving through the US was amazing. Got the chance to go to Burning Man, which was a fun experience. Spent a lot of time exploring by myself. Wasn't into hooking up with anyone, just wandering around really. Met someone in person who I'd connected with on this forum, which was nice. After that, sailing, and... well... it was quite intense. Glad I did it though. Learnt a lot. Very sea sick unfortunately so took a while to recouperate.

Got back to my home city a few days ago. Ella disappointed that I don't feel like spending heaps of time with her. To be honest, needed down-time to process the travels and lock in my focus for the next wee while. I find myself wanting to prioritise my own projects over growing a new relationship with someone else.

Not sure if it's indicating a lack of passion about her specifically, or my mood in general. I've not really had anything like NRE with her. Maybe because of how it started (her being Carob's girlfriend first, me being fairly busy). I can't think of anything about her in particular that makes me ho-hum. I like her, and we have good sex, she's smart and challenges me, but right now I'm not driven (or not letting myself be driven) towards intimacy with her. I'm being guarded, maybe. Or... jealous of my own time. Or perhaps not open right now to being carried away by someone new... though, hey, it could happen.

Had a chat with Ella about this the other day, as I haven't felt like staying over at her place at all. I said I don't feel very drawn to being sexual with her, that I'm too restless with getting my own shit done. I acknowledged that this was an awful thing to say, and that I wish it wasn't so, and that it wasn't really fair on her. But she took it well. She was disappointed but pragmatic. Guess we'll see how we go.

I'm back to our new city next week on Thursday! YAY! Carob headed over there a few weeks ago for his new job. He's loving it. Phew.

He and Sago met up for a beers, and on another occasion were both at a mutual friend's birthday party. Funny to think of them being in the same place together without me. Looking forward to a bit of "normalcy" with no LDR! Woo! (Can't really let Ella factor in to the no-LDR celebration, unfortunately... Ah. I'm craving relative simplicity. Must suck for her, I guess, but it's how it is. I'm being as honest as I can with her, and giving what I can give.)

Skyped with Carob yesterday and Sago this morning - luxury! High speed internet! So good to see their faces.

Carob mentioned a suggestion by one of his friends, Rick, for us to go on a camping trip. Rick, and his girlfriend Kim are mostly Carob's friends, who I hang out with these days cos of C. Sago knows them through C as well. They live in our new city, and we (S + I) have caught up with them now and then, not too much. In the same circle of friends is Ayla and Patch. (Patch I have a crush on, but is a no go cos of friend dynamics. Ayla is currently half living in Sago's & my place, and half staying with Patch.) Patch, Carob and Rick are old friends. Carob is currently sharing a flat with Patch. This is to paint a perhaps unnecessarily thick background to this snippet of conversation...

Carob: Rick was saying we should all go on a camping trip
Me: Oh yeah, cool. Camping's fun
C: Yeah. Rick and Kim, Patch and Ayla too
Me: Oh. (thinks) So, the six of us?
C: Yeah, like a couples thing
Me: Would Sago be invited?
C: Awww... can't it just be the two of us? (in a tone that implied "... for once")
Me: Yah, yah, of course it could be, let's talk about it when I'm there.

Ah. I get Carob's desire to hang out with his mates (Rick and Patch) and their dates du jour... but it's not so simple. Yes, Ayla and C are old friends, but Sago and I know her independently quite well. (To give an example, Ayla came to our wedding.) I haven't been camping in our new city with Sago yet and we've been meaning to. Basically, if we were going on a trip out somewhere fun, Sago would probably enjoy it too... and he knows enough of the crew well enough as friends (esp Ayla, who has been living based at our place for the last few months) for it to feel kind of weird for him not to be invited.

At least, I find it weird. Like, he'd be left out.

On the other hand, the logistics of hanging out in a three-person thing (esp with V dynamics rather than a triad) if it's a couple-y vibe could be equally weird. Hmm.

Not angsting about it, just something to discuss. The co-ordination begins!
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