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Old 10-04-2012, 02:05 AM
PipersGirl PipersGirl is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 33

Thanks for your responses Cindie and GG,

I do agree that *part* of the problem lie with D's handling of our multiple relationships. Despite a lifetime of various forms of non-monogamy, D has never dealt with a dynamic like we have. He was used to being in situations where he lied/she lied or DADT. Being in this relationship has been a learning curve for him - hell, for all us! We all came in blind and have stumbled and fumbled, bumping into each other in the process.

We've had meetings about other and related issues and we have made a lot of progress. And D, Ka and I have also talked about the time issue and how she usually gets more time, so why is it a problem on those rare occasions that I get more time. She doesn't really have an answer - she gets so focused on what she is feeling RIGHT now and she just wants it to stop. She hasn't learned to let the emotion blow through and that you don't have to act on it. She is seeing a counselor to deal with some underlying issues that she's never addressed.

I already do some of your suggestions, GG. I do disengage from her when she is "leaking". I strive for a healthy balance of being supportive and taking care of myself. I do agree that I need to be more assertive. That doesn't come naturally to me. I HATE conflict. Always have - been a peacemaker my whole life.

To another subject - We have the following set date nights: Friday - me; Saturday - Ka and Ki; Sunday - Ka. Of course, we allow some flexibility due to circumstances. I think we need a meeting to discuss Monday through Thursday nights. In my view, if D wants to spend time with any of us on one of those nights, it's his choice as to whom it will be if she is available.

I say that because this latest episode started because D asked to me to come over and spend last Thursday night and Ka got a little snippy - with him, not with me - because he didn't ask her. This is where he gets frustrated. It *is* his time and he gets to decide how and who he spends it with and he's told her this. She is still so tied up in "measuring" his love through time (and sex) that she doesn't truly feel his love. And her obsessing over every little thing and jumping up and down about it damages her relationship with D; then he doesn't want to spend as much time with her! It also damages her relationship with me.

We also must discuss boundaries around individual relationships and sharing. It does bug me that she asks D if we had sex and how many times. If she was asking because it was a turn-on, while that would still bother me, it wouldn't be as much of an issue. But, she wants to know how for for score keeping. She wants to make sure that I'm not "getting" more than her. I am going to ask her not to ask him any more and I'm going to ask him not to tell her and to request that she not ask him anymore as it's not her business. I don't ask.

Once things have settled down, I am requesting a group meeting.

Thanks again for the responses.

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