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Old 10-04-2012, 01:22 AM
tree166 tree166 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 31

My marriage ended after 7 years of polyamory because my husband woke up one day and decided he wanted monogamy now and forever. He also wanted kids and a house in the suburbs and all of the things I thought we were on the same page about for years, and he was unwilling to compromise. We had been starting to drift apart but I wanted to keep trying. He didn't. Game over.

My boyfriend's marriage ended close to a year before mine, a few months after we started dating. His wife has a chronic illness that caused pretty severe depression that she refused to seek help for. He became her caretaker rather than her husband, and neither party sought out the support they needed. The stress sort of caused the relationship to implode.

After my marriage ended and we made the transition to primary, he was dating a rather emotionally needy woman, K. I knew about her from the start, but he had sleepovers with her, in our bed, and lied to me about it when he knew those were rigid boundaries. She would also periodically stop by because she needed a hug, and would call and text incessantly when we were spending time together. They had been seeing each other for about 3 weeks at this point, and she refused to back off after several firm discussions about boundaries (seriously, who shows up unannounced for a hug after knowing someone a few weeks?), so he broke it off. I didn't find out about the sleepovers and the frequency of the drive by hugging until weeks after they broke up. I was furious, a fight ensued, he begged my forgiveness, we moved on.

About 6 months later he started seeing another woman, and again I knew about her. M wasn't as needy outwardly, but since she didn't have any sexual relationship to speak of with her primary, my boyfriend became her only outlet. Once again he lied about how often he saw her (at that point I was working nights so it was easy to hide) and where they had sex. She also began demanding more of his time, and since I saw him a total of 8 hours a week (even living together), I was not ok with this. I found out that he was telling her that I wouldn't 'let' him see her, making me out to be this total lunatic despite the tiny amount of time we had free for each other. I felt like that was just as much a betrayal as the lying.

They had been seeing each other about a month when I found about the lies through ridiculously dramatic means (her panties in an empty laundry hamper... seriously?). I attempted to confront him about it, but his goal at that point was not canceling the date he had planned with her. He didn't want her to be disappointed. I went home to pack my things, huge fight ensued, mainly due to his refusal to end the relationship until he could get his head straight. In the end he acquiesced, begged forgiveness, and I stayed.

That pretty much brings us up to speed with this new girl. I get the whole NRE thing and I'm happy for him when he finds someone he likes spending time with, but I don't like that it's higher on his list of priorities to make time for her than for us as a couple. My instincts tell me there's something not quite right about her, but that's something I have to let him find out on his own. I just wish he was as excited about seeing me or having sex with me as he is with her.

And I don't want you to get the wrong idea about him - he really is a great guy, and when there's not some shiny new woman distracting him he's very thoughtful and attentive.
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