CONVERSATION: EVENING BANTER
BOOKMARK: Post my "Creating Authentic Relationship" Answers when I finish draft
DH came home dead tired. I am dead tired. I have PMS. I want chocolate. I want cookies. I want to nap. I want to not deal in kid any more. He's also tired and wiped out from a long day at work.
So it is the game of who is tired-er? Clearly we need to change the game to --- who hires the babysitter? Then BOTH get a nap.
Besides the point. I was sitting there reading a book and eating chips wanting to get as far away from my needy kid as possible. A sick child is clingy, and I'm not agreeable to clingy when PMS-y. It has been a taxing day. I just do not like being touched anywhere when I am PMS monster. I'm all sensitive and grrrr.
So he flops on the arm chair next to me to check in. The nap thing. I tell him I want to shut down and am too tired to be fit company. I want to be fit company for him later. So best everyone run hide in their own corner for now to recharge batteries. I won't press him to step up since I'm willing to stay up for parenting evening detail. But he'll owe me later.
DH: Owe you what?
Me: Dance like a lewd chicken?
DH: Oo. Yay. Nap for me! I'll gladly dance like a chicken for a nap! Are you angling for ______? (How is kid?)
Me: Maybe I'm angling for _____. (Fine -- docs and all mostly ok. Wait for results to come in. Have my cel phone.)
DH: What is this?
Me: Your kid at the hospital goofing off. She was feeling better and she's playing with the stuff there after being seen. (Lift your shirt. )
DH: Ah, I'm glad she was doing better. (Why am I lifting my shirt? )
Me: I emailed you the one of her in a surgical mask. They have a rule about coughing children not coughing on everyone and germing them up. She liked wearing it and thought it was cool. (And because you always do what I say and I want to see your nipples.)
DH: I wondered what that was on her face. (I do? Ok. Show me YOUR nipples.)
Me: I emailed it to you when I took that pix. (No!)
DH: Hmm... did not get it. (How come I can't see your nipples?)
Me: (laughing) Because I am evil and PMS rebellious and do not do what you say. Muahahaha!
DH: Hmmmph. (mock indignant)
Me: (laughing) You are fun to flirt with. I also emailed you my draft of Authentic Relationship.
DH: A pdf?
Me: No. Copied it to a doc -- with my partial answers. I need help articulating some so on those I put a big red PENDING
. And of course yours are all PENDING.
No rush. For your entertainment. We can play with that on our couple date lower this month.
DH: What's it about? Sex stuff?
Me: Nope. That was mostly heart bucket? Not enough though. Sex -- That's another sheet.
Which was better actually for body bucket but not nearly enough either. None of these thing ever are. They are just talking points to start.
DH: Well, does the sex stuff transfer
to other buckets? Like the skills or talking points? Can't it be used anyway?
Me: No, because it's not like that. The sex stuff one is largely checklist of "I like this or that." It does not ask you to do thinking things like the division between intercourse and outercourse and edge play. It does not ask you to do the ranking inside the pools either. Here's all this outercourse stuff. Rank 'em. Assign your value. Nothing like that that we do ourselves already. Nothing asking you to develop a value system or standard or too many goals. Just... checklists and wants.
DH: Well, what about.... hugging?
Me: What about it? (And stop tugging your nipples at me. It is hard to talk to you and pay attention if you are making me laugh every second distracting me.)
DH: But you told me to lift up my shirt!
Me: I did not tell you to tug your nipples at me!
DH: I can tug my nipples if I want to. (You should tug yours.)
Me: What about hugging? (I am ignoring all nipples!)
DH: I do not hug you like I hug my mother. That's not an item. That is a spectrum in of itself.
Me: But even as a mini spectrum, hugging belongs in the Outcourse swimming pool. Nothing is going into anything when hugging. It is not intercourse. Hugging might be at the shallow end of the Ourcourse swimming pool. It is still not a handjob. Both are outercourse type things.
DH: Alright, I see that. Would need defining.
Me: Exactly. I would like to get some of that sorted out. If the time comes and you have friended for a long ass time and came to me and told me your feelings are changing and you want to negotiate the "all clear" to deepen and explore with your long time friend person -- I much rather open the filing cabinet and go "Alright. Let's whip this out and bring it up to date then and see if this person is worth a negotiation talk. Not be starting from ZERO. (Meta: I hate working under time/deadline/pressure.)
DH: True. I would like to think I'd have the sense not to bring you a Muppet.
Me: Me too. It goes both ways, dude. I'd like to think I'd have the sense not to bring you a Muppet home too. But we've not talked about NRE drunkenness and made the plan B. (meta: should one of us be sooooo drunk on NRE crack that our judgement is impaired -- how the spouse will intervene and save their drunken ass.)
DH: Right. Ok, I'll look at it later then.
Me: Cool. Thanks. Look at my nipples later too.
DH. Oo. Nipples! (lunging)
Me: Perv. Shoo! Go nap. (giggles)
DH: Hrm... (gropies)
Me: Stop feeling me up and making out with your wife while your child is awake. It's not cool.
DH: Really? Child is in tub bathing and child being awake never stopped you before. Oo, yay! (gropies)
Me: Ack! I have decided I am ungrope-able today. (giggling, walking off)
DH: Hrm... (still attempting groping, following)
Me: I mean it. There's not aaaaany gropies here. (Try the bedroom later.)
DH: Oo. Gropies in the bedroom!
Me: There could be kissin' in the kitchen.
DH: Oo. Kissin' in the kitchen! (kissing ears) I see you found chocolate.
Me: Told ya. PMS! Chocolate ice cream --yay!
Be interesting to see what he writes for his own answers. I thought I lost my first attempt at that sheet but found it and emailed him that one too. Interesting to see my answers when I was vomitous this summer about it and when I'm not vomitous about it this fall.