The past two months have been the most difficult months of my life. They've been productive in personal growth and also in becoming okay again with polyamory and an open relationship. It was really hit and miss there for a while. One of the things I learned was that a good portion of the pain I was feeling wasn't jealousy as I had labeled it; it was more lonesomeness than anything.
The third weekend in September Twitch and I went to the Windy City to visit Shasti. I needed to get a handle on their relationship and I also wanted to get to know her better. When we first met Shasti it was via a mutual friend at a party he threw in March. The next time I saw Shasti it was for a foursome in April that she had suggested. From that time until our weekend in Chicago the two of us hadn't spent any time together and a lot of emotional upheaval had happened in my life - much of it related to her.
I learned a lot about myself that weekend. I figured out that the threat I was feeling was linked to loneliness as a child and not being 'part of the group'. It's amazing how once the root of an issue is revealed it looses its power and fades, healing. That doesn't mean that I'm totally over my insecurities, but I certainly feel my old self coming back. I'm going to be okay.
Twitch has been so incredible through all of this. I love him more each day.
We are both excited about our wedding (10 days.) He's been so much help with everything. It's definitely been a dual effort. We don't have any family that lives close by to lend a hand, so the two of us have done it all.
My compersion is coming back and it feels nice. We are talking more about his relationship with Shasti and it feels good. Last night's conversation revealed that she made an awesome suggestion for something for him to do for me when we are in D.C. later this month. He won't divulge what it is, but he seems excited and I'm just very touched that she did that.
It's all going to be okay. In fact, I think it's going to be more than okay. I think it's going to be great!